Twenty-two.

I felt the need to write an obligatory birthday post. My birthday was Friday and this year I kept it pretty low-key. Lots of much-needed relaxation, quality time with friends and visiting family over the weekend. Friday was our first day of student teaching and I was greeted by twenty-three, hand-made cards from my third graders. It made me that much more excited for the coming months I get to spend with them. It's strange to think that this is my last birthday spent as an unmarried lady and that [hopefully] my twenty-third will be spent celebrating with my husband in our new home. 

Woah...Strange. 

September, 2010

October, 2010

August, 2011

June, 2012

September, 2013

Sorry for the self-nation up here, but...photobooth. 

Anyways, I can't believe I am now twenty-two. Twenty-one was a pretty calm year amidst lots of changes. Twenty, I would say, was my favorite year. I can only hope twenty-two will be just as good to me. What with student teaching, college graduation, a wedding, moving across the country, hopefully finding some kind of job and tons of changes mixed in and around those things, I can assume it will be...trying. I'm sure it will hold as many hellos as goodbyes, as many disappointments as accomplishments and as many lessons as rewards.

I've definitely learned some things in my mere-twenty-two years of living; things like,

It's okay to say no. 

In fact, it's important to. Stop taking on the world and take some much-needed time for yourself. You can only stretch yourself so thin and take on so many things. Don't be a yes-man. Be selfish once in awhile. And don't feel bad about it. It will help keep you sane. 

Garbage in, garbage out. 

This applies to so many things; the food you eat, the habits you keep, the company you surround yourself with, the choices you make, the faith you demonstrate. If you fill your life, your body, your time and your energy on 'garbage' or even just negative things, you won't feel so good. You'll be tired emotionally, physically and mentally. 

Trust me. 

It's okay to look at houses going up for sale in the future, but focus on making the place you're living in now feel homey. 

No, not literal houses. This is one of those, 'living in the now' pieces of advice without actually saying all those stupid cliches. And this is certainly one of my hardest lessons to learn. It's okay to look into the future. It's healthy even to have a plan. Most of us need those things to look forward to, or even a countdown to events and exciting thing happening in our lives. But we should focus on making the state of mind, the physically place and the events we're experiencing now, a kind of temporary home. And that's hard to do. We feel like as soon as we get settled into a new and present state of mind, things are going to change. So why even get settled at all. Do it. It'll help a lot of things. 

Things could be worse. 

This is kind of a 'grin and bear it' expression. But I've come to fully wrap myself around this sentence. Things could be worse. I think it helps in the moment and it really does help in the genuinity (is that a word?) of certain situations long-term. Let me explain. If you say in the moment that everything falls about "It could be worse!" It pacifies you for a little bit and you move on. In a little bit, when you actually evaluate the extent of the situation and think about the grand spectrum of it all, you start to think with a sane mind, "Oh wow, that really wasn't that bad," or even "At least I didn't...." or "It could have been..." It's okay to think like that, I think. It keeps you leaning on the positive side of life.

Never let anyone make you feel bad about your choices.

In a society where we always look for other's opinions or approval, most certainly in our teens and twenties, this is also one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. Whether it's a small daily choice, a choice of not-doing something, or a major life choice, stop looking for approval and just do it. Sure, there are circumstances when you need to ask for someone else's opinion and that you should listen to it. Yes, older people are wiser and don't do that, it's dumb. But we all know those people who live their life questioning. 

"Is this okay?" 

"Can we do this?" 

"Are we supposed to..." 

"Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." 

It's also about building confidence. Not in a stuck up way, but a sure-of-yourself way. That comes with age and experience. Maybe no one actually expects you to be that way in your teens or early twenties. But that person we all know, do we really want to live our lives like that? Always searching for someone else's approval? There is a time to ask, and time to not. There is certainly times to apologize and times to take true ownership of your life and your choices. 

Not everyone will like you. 

This is a hard one to learn as a human. It goes with the latter paragraph. Let's face it. We all want to be liked. 

And when we're not?... 

QUICK CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Honestly, the sooner we realize not everyone is always going to like us, the better. 

The perils of maturing, ladies and gentleman. 

Everyone's different. 

So don't take my lessons as concrete. What I need to learn might not necessarily be what you need to learn. But my oh my, I have learned in these past twenty-two years. 

I can't wait to learn more.

Growing up is tricky. 

And it is most certainly a learn-as-you-go game. 

C'est la vie. 

Such is life.

Seasons & lately.

As of September 22, it is the now officially Fall.

The first day of fall was for wonderful friends who come to visit you on the weekend and early mornings at new churches with new experiences. It was for branching out in hopes for some receival and promise of a try-again-soon. It was for opening windows wide, and a cool breeze that lingers inside the four plain white walls as you do long to-do lists of homework. It's for mixed feelings about this last favorite brightly colored Northern season, with a dash of fear and nostalgia knowing how much your life is going to be different this time next year. It is for meaningful quality music sifting slowly through the speakers as you finally collect those certain songs for a certain Saturday. It is for anticipation, preparation and anxiousness as the week finally carries you all the way to that day you've been anticipating since you signed up for this major freshman year. This is going to be an exhausting, terrifying, fulfilling, amazing, exciting next few months.

In other news, this little apartment has finally earned a rhythm, gotten cozy little touches and has already withheld countless hours of laughing and memories. 

"Who except God can give you peace? Has the world ever been able to satisfy your heart?"St. Gerard Majella

Autumn has surely arrived here in Pennsylvania and I can't help but to think about how blessed I am to experience a new place. Well, a new place as of three years ago. I cannot believe it's been three, soon to be four full years since I first set foot in this place. While my heart is still, and always will be it seems, back in New England for this beautiful season, I've grown accustom to seasons in many ways. Seasons of change. Seasons of renovation. Seasons of strength and defeat, renewal and reinvention. As much as I hold onto my Northern roots, I guess I have made my own paths around this place as well. It's interesting to think that even though I wouldn't call this state or place "home" per say, it is a sort of temporary home. 

And that word home is such an interesting concept, 

something I'm still learning about. 

More on that later. 

I've been given amazing opportunities lately, learning opportunities, difficult ones, memorable ones. I've found a routine just as I am going to begin to form a new one and go out in my field to finally establish myself in a little classroom full of big ideas and daunting days of life lessons; some taught by me, most I'm sure, simply learned by me. 

Life, as of lately, is many things, many feelings,
many pieces of this somehow puzzle.
Some pieces fit nicely, some have jagged edges,
some are broken and taped haphazardly to hold themselves in place
but all are part of some big picture.

This season of life and of my life.
Somehow.
Even though I don't know how all the time, I know that I don't need to know.
I know that I'm not the one who always has to know how everything works together, right?

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1. 

Power struggle.

I have honestly tried writing this post for a solid week. Maybe more. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to write it out based on a conversation I had with someone. But full steam ahead, let me tell you about my life. 

A pretty big part of my life. 

I've never given much thought to the military before about four years ago. Which quite frankly sounds a little "un-american," or something. 

Credit to ever-awesome Nick Benson

But despite having a "Pop" who was in the military, it's never been prevalent in my life. I've never entirely been affected by it, besides the whole living in the United States thing. Regardless, it is now a pretty large part of my life due to the fact that a pretty large part of my life is in it; the United States Air Force to be exact. The past four years have been somewhat of a power-struggle between myself and the Air Force, always wanting custody of a certain human being. Since day one, I've been realizing it's role in our relationship. I've learned about it and it has refused to recognize my opinion. So it goes. 

To tell you the truth it's hard as heck. 

When I tell someone, "Oh my fiance's in the military," it usually elicits two very different responses; 

"Oh wow that's so cool!" 

*insert bright smile subtly implying they have absolutely no idea what that means for my life and are basing that knowledge off of some sappy movie* 

or

"Oh...that must be tough." 

*insert puppy eyes that feel bad for you because they think he's off to war every other week and are constantly being shot at or something*

But the truth is, 

yes, the military has a large impact on my life now because I am with this guy. 

yes, it's decided and will decided a lot of things in my [new] life I never thought I would let 'someone' other than myself, my husband and God decide.

yes, it is exceptionally lonely sometimes.

But I have learned so much more positive than the negative can impact. I've grown and stretched, we've grown and stretched together. We have something unique, something that makes us unique and something that we power through, despite and in spite of the constant power struggle.

I've learned things like, I need to make the best of situations beyond my control, that I can't control everything, that distance is for the brave and that it makes you brave. I've learned that pouting and stomping your feet will get you absolutely nowhere but that it's okay to cry and stomp your feet as long as you pick yourself back up. Because no one, including yourself wants to continuously hear you complaining and making noise for too long. I've learned that I have an incredible relationship with an absolutely amazing man that distance and things beyond our control can't touch despite all efforts to shake it. I've learned that despite being 1,500 miles away, we will always be there for each other, even when we aren't in the same room at the same time for months and months. That we've made it through tons of hard nights and lonely days and we are that much stronger together because of it it. The military and this distance and all those lonely pathetic nights have blessed me with little things I might never had learned had we been able to see each other every day. 

I've learned that I am an individual. That I must do individual things to maintain the person I am. That even though I so love and adore this man I get to marry, I am allowed to enjoy things on my own, that I have to to be in a healthy relationship. I learned that I need outlets for pent up emotions; furry animals, long runs, gym sweat and quiet alone time. That those are okay. That alone and wallowing time is also okay. That I usually need both of those things every once in awhile. I learned that crying doesn't make you weak or mean that you are. I have learned that when I can't be physically with the person I love most in the world, I can surely surround myself with the other people I love most in the world. That they care for me too. That they are there for me too. That they try to understand the best that they can, but when they don't have the words they want me to know that they're just there for me. That they care for me even when something beyond my capability isn't allowing me to talk to that other person I love most in this world. 

So when people look at me and think my life is something out of a Nicholas Spark's movie, I feel bad that they feel bad for me. I am not looking for pity. On the contrary, I am certainly not refusing a loving shoulder to cry on every once in awhile, but I don't need someone feeling sorry for me because of the life and love that I (though sometimes blindly) have chosen live in. I get to marry my favorite human being in the world. I get to spend the rest of my life with him. And yes, I get to spend a significant part of that with him and his job. Despite this multi-year ongoing power struggle and the fact that my sharing abilities equal that of a kindergartener, I know that this is a current constant in not just my life,

but our life. 

That we will face it together. That we have and will continue to fight distance together. And that we have done a pretty darn good job of it already together apart.

So cheers to us.
To this fight and power-struggle.
And to us winning.

Blessings in many {human} forms.

I was going to do an "apartment living" post. I wanted to give you a tour of where I'm living and all. We worked really hard on our abode. But I decided to do something about the "who I live with" first. When in reality, I am too lazy to take pictures of the space we live in. I will do it eventually, I promise. I do want to document this all.

This weekend, four out of the five of us dwelling in this little apartment got the chance to get away for a weekend (the fifth was studying) But I know, right? The first weekend of the first week of classes. We must be so exhausted already. Haha...not exactly. But while the weather is still beautiful and the world hasn't realized it's actually the start of Autumn, we certainly dove at the amazing chance to get away before all our student teaching and classes got in full swing. One roommate has a family beach house near the Jersey Shore and we got up bright and early Saturday morning to trek there.

It was gorgeous. And the perfect way to kick off our senior year together. Which I should also mention, that this weekend in itself was quite wonderful. This considering it started off with a bonfire. Definitely Friday night, Pennsylvania style.

Sometimes I don't know how I ended up in PA, but I think it's pretty beautiful. I'm absolutely glad I did. And I am glad I've ended up with these people.

In the past week that I've been at school, I find myself constantly counting my blessings. The opportunities I've been given, the hard work I feel like I've done in these past three years, the challenges and obstacles and hard times I've muddled through. They've all somehow worked out to be just that; blessings. Somehow, here I am. Here we all are. Because as lonely as some of the beginning days felt, I am so not alone in the last hurrah of this crazy college adventure. These ladies, among a handful of others have been by my side since freshman year. When God and our college put us on the same floor. We've grown up together and individually. We've picked up a few extra friendships along the way and found out who are truly the ones we should trust. We've grown and learned and lived together, and somehow we've developed this amazing friendship that I do not see fading away anytime soon.

And until we march across that stage and celebrate our last days together, we are going to celebrate this year. We intend to. But along the way, we will count our blessings.

Because my goodness, there are so many to count.

I am so thankful for these wise and wonderful ladies. Who have been there and laughed with me. Who have put up with me, understood my crazy ways and seen my embarrassing moments, offered advice when I need it most.

I can't wait to enjoy this last year with these fine people. 

Permanent lessons.

I have a tattoo.

I got it my freshman year of college.
I don't regret it, but sometimes it does makes me a little sad.

"Without love, I am nothing"

Let me explain. 

I love my tattoo. It is very very meaningful to me. That's the important part, to me. I got my tattoo after sitting with the idea for nearly three years. In fact, my parents didn't put up a fight about me getting it because they didn't think my wimpy self would actually go through with the pain. (And let me tell you, so much pain). Not only is it a bible verse close to my heart (1 Corinthians 13:2) but it is also in Thai, a country also close to my heart.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

When I was in high school I went for a month-long missions trip in 2009 with a student team from all over the country with a Texas based christian org called Global Expeditions. We had country contacts there and did work for them in orphanages and villages, manual labor, prayer walking, and teaching English in universities and “home-groups.” We were there for about three weeks and to this day, I still recall that those were the most life-changing three weeks of all my near-21 years of living. I got to experience so many things culturally that going out of the country does to you. I would so so so strongly recommend anyone of any age to do before they die. Go someone in a completely different culture. Be totally and rawly out of your comfort zone, your language, your element. I don’t care what you do there but see different things, experience different traditions and people. Some of the people we met there were the nicest, most welcoming and friendly people I have ever known, though we could hardly communicate with them (we learned a tiny bit of thai but not much!) I learnt so much from every experience I had there, about life and other people. The city life is busy and full of people everywhere, but the villages are beautiful in their own way. These people live on hardly anything. The orphanages we got to help in taught me things I could never convey to anyone else.

The country in and of itself is absolutely breathtaking. The landscape, rice fields, mountains and climate is beautiful. It poured and poured everyday *we were there in July-Aug which is the rainy season.* Everyday around early afternoon it would pour and pour buckets of rain, then in a half hour the sun would come out just before it set. temples and their religion and history are fascinatingly unique and beautiful. We were mostly the city of Chiang Mai but then went up (8 hr truck ride…up a mountain) to the village of Mae Hong Son for two weeks.

So about reason for this ink permanently on my foot...

That would be because of this little guy. 

Ty.

One morning on the trip during our private morning devos we were heavily encouraged to go off and do, stuck right around the "love chapter" everyone knows so well, I found the phrase, "But have not love, I am nothing." Right in His perfect timing of falling apart in exasperation and begging to see what He was showing me through the trip, why I was even there. I was defeated and confused. Right in the last few days, the morning before we went to that orphanage, before I got to hang out with that little guy. From then on I sat with this verse God showed to me during the trip during my devotionals. 

After I got the tattoo, I wrote this letter to Ty. No, he will never read it. But I have it for me. For the reason behind this ink. 

I know. 

Dear Ty,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the past few days. I think of that day and I can play back every moment in my head, but at the same time it’s a giant blur. The teachings, the laughing, the holding and hugging.
I have never felt greater love for a stranger, the love of God’s child. Your little hands held onto me and when I reached out my arms I felt something I will never be able to convey to another human being, I just can’t explain it. For that day, we loved you, I loved you. You taught me how to love again. You taught me that everything in the world didn’t always have to be bitter. You brought me out of a place.
You inspired me to love, to love life and myself and my God. You taught me that without love, I’m nothing. You taught me that I can be in a place the past. And that none of that mattered in that one day. You taught me that hugging and holding sometimes is the simplest and greatest solution to anything and that a child’s laughter, your laughter, is a memory that I want to take hold of and repeat over and over again everyday for the rest of my life.
I think of you everyday. I look down at my foot, at a language I can’t understand and I think of you, of what you taught me. I look at something forever with me, forever inked into my body and I think of you. Of the greatest lesson that you taught me.
Love.
“But have not love, I am nothing.”
I don’t know where you are right now Ty, I don’t know if you’re safe or warm or being held. I don’t know if you’re laughing or crying. I don’t know if you’re bleeding or if you are nestled safe under a roof. I don’t know if you’re running or sick or in the company of people who love you. I don’t even know if you’re still alive, years later.
But know this, I loved you. I love you.
For that day and for the rest of my life.
I cannot wait to see you in eternity, sweet boy. 

You see, similar to a lot of 16+ year olds, I was a little...sour in my love. Towards myself and the confidence, towards God and all that I'd been taught and seen, known and shown, and maybe not seen and not shown. And towards people who hurt me. People I loved. People I trusted and relied upon but had shown me something other than trust and love. 

"Without love, I am nothing." 

What a simple, but extremely powerful lesson. Unfortunately one that we all know quite well, but sometimes need to be reminded of. I like that I have this lesson and memory with me forever. 

My peace I leave with you.

God has been doing something strangely wonderful within me lately.

With all the changes either happening now, gradually happening, or soon-to-be happening, I have felt like I have no control over anything. Graduating, school, locations, moving, wedding plans, something involving the military, life plans. You name it. I have felt out of control of "it" at some point in the last given year or so. Which is very human of me, yes I will use the cop out excuse.

The wonderful thing that God is doing in me though, is replacing anxiety with a surprisingly amount of peace. I've reached a point in this (oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm using this cliche thing) "journey," be it graduating college, getting married, or moving across the country, where I don't feel so much anxiousness anymore. Granted, that is speaking for this moment, please don't ask me this between the two weeks of me graduating and getting married. However, I am also learning I can only take it day by day. That's what God has given me. Today. And not only has He given me today, but He has given me peace and rest, and then He's instructed me to be thankful for it! 

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful." Colossian 3:15

He's gone a step further lately though. He's not only replaced my anxiousness with peace, but also with excitement and enthusiasm. I am so excited to be living my last year in school with amazing ladies. I am excited to be engaged and love this stage in our relationship before we're arriving at the alter. I am thrilled with changes, even though at times I am absolutely terrified. I am looking forward to new places and adventures with the person I happen to be in love with. And I am anxious in all the best ways for these things to happen, to graduate and feel accomplished for all the hard work I have put in to the past three, soon-to-be four years. I am anxious in a good way to be on my own and away from familiarity to create a home and familiarity among new places with new people, not because I do not love my 'old places or people' but because they have taught me well.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

What a wonderful reassurance when we don't feel so peaceful all of the time, hmm? 

Three and a half.

Today, August 18th marks three and a half years of being in love with this guy. And while I will refrain from this post reflecting any sort of sappy love letter, sometimes it's just difficult not to gush. He arrived at the airport last week on Friday afternoon and sadly left today. We spent nine days together doing everything from wedding planning, attending appointments, and absolutely nothing.

What a good sport

We spent time with my family and his mom, who came from PA to visit for a few days. We walked on the beach and savored the few last weeks of summer. I even tried to sway his very non-italianness to my very favorite pastries. He fell madly in love with a favorite pastry different from mine, which no one can even begin to correctly pronounce... Sfogliatelle, anyone?

Dedicated cannoli lover for life

Family time included mother-daughter selfies and a constant reminder to mentally record all that kept happening; the jokes, the fooling around, the quiet evenings, the walks, sunsets, family time, and both silly words, and wise words. This summer, I have been consistently shifting from savoring the old and looking forward to all the new, that most days I don't know which I should spend time dwelling on. I feel guilty dwelling too much on the future, as I should always be grateful and dwell in the present. However, I have a hard time coming away from my roots, so much so that I never even realized I have these roots. Does that make sense? But in the same moment, I realize I will never really shake them; my roots. That's a nice thought. Even when I'm not physically near all of it. I'm learning that I don't have to permanently get rid of anything when I can always have it in memories and people and pictures and promised visits. 

I got to spend time out, being almost like a normal couple with this stud, even if it was only temporary; family dinners, frozen yogurt dates, and quality time spent doing everything and nothing together. More and more I realize that, as much as I've always rejected the idea of "I'm in love with my best friend" because of it's cheese-factor, I know why people say it. I really just love spending time with him. We don't have to be out, we don't have to be dressed up or doing strict planned things. I just love being with him and talking to him and laughing with him. And man of man, I get to spend the rest of my life like this? 

More on that later.

We did countless wedding things; met with people, booked things, tasted way too much cake, took pretty pictures in order to announce that Saturday in May we're gettin hitched, (more on those later too...!) and productively conquered things on that giant and seemingly intimidating list spelling out the next almost nine months. But alas, we took time and banned all wedding talk, planning, discussion and decisions and just remembered to be normal...or as normal as our relationship can be.

No deposits, deadlines, or confirmations needed. 

Just the two of us. We even got put on babysitting duty for an afternoon.

And let me tell you. If that picture doesn't melt your heart, you have some kind of problem. I will openly admit, I am a walking contradiction. I constantly glare and shush people who spring the "So when do you two plan on having kids" (answer: none of your business...or nicely put, that is between us and God, thank you for asking), question then gush over any little one I see, (I get yelled at constantly by my fiance for pointing out cute kids in public). My excuse is that I am always working with kids, so a lot of times I'm more comfortable with them than with adults. 

Shh, don't tell anyone.

And then, 

the inevitable came. 

As it always, always does.

Three and a half years of airport parking lots, tears, terminals, duffle bags, blubbering goodbye kisses, Skype, time differences, miscommunications, and days feeling like you’re in love with a stranger. 

But then at the same time it’s been three and a half years of airport hugs and kisses, hand holding walking out to the car after months of waiting, serious talks, planning, getting to know each other all over again, and milestones. The good will always outweigh the bad, and it’s hard but always worth it. Sometimes I don’t know how we do it, but somehow we manage. 

Only a couple more goodbyes, then one amazing final wedding hello celebration. 

We got this.