Do I look like a wife?

When The Fiancé and I first got engaged, even before that actually, we agreed on a long engagement. Because of our long distance circumstances; my finishing school, planning a wedding in a different state, the military, being separated so often, we wanted so badly to plan things wisely but also we wanted to use our time wisely. We knew that a long engagement would go by quickly (it has, even if it seems like it's dragging!). We wanted to truly enjoy being engaged and this stage of our relationship and continue to grow separately and independently, as well grow stronger together. We wanted to not spend our entire time we did get the chance to talk planning a wedding and we wanted to leave room for the dreamy part of this stage, while at the same time enjoying each other and planning things as practically as we could. Or as much as we could do with both the distance and the uncertainty of this military life that I am still after-four-years grasping understanding of.

All that to say, and I know we don't need to justify our choices to anyone, 

but I wanted to give you some background, 

because as much as we may complain about it, 

we truly have been given the gift of time. 

To grow and think and imagine and dream.
To plan and prepare and steady ourselves before the whirlwind and second whirlwind and after-shocks...
I've been given time to finish this chapter of college and dwell in it's presence, while simultaneously clinging to the transitional period, awkwardly and as graceful as I can.
But I've also been handed time to develops this little identity crisis.

Sometimes, unfortunately, to overthink it. 

As silly as it sounds, I'm constantly finding myself thinking "would a wife wear/say/do this?" in preparation for my new shoes, my new up-and-coming role I am about to put on.

There's a term in Social Psychology called, "The Spotlight Effect." And I cannot help but to think that I have unfortunately fall victim to its ways. With every new piece of clothing I wear I think, "Does this make me look like a wife? Would a wife wear this?" Which in a sense is okay. I know things will change when I am a Mrs. I know there will be certain society things, certain expectations, certain areas of growth I will gain and learning to be done. I know these things. I recognize and am as ready as I can be for them. But that's not the kind of role I'm talking about. I mean a little bit towards to the side of the "superficial view" unfortunately.

While the Spotlight Effect more or less states, "hey you're acting kind of egocentric," I can't help but think I'm not to the only one to experience this in the Engagement Chapter. Or maybe I've just had that too much time to think thing happening.

Regardless, I am still grasping hold on this role of a "wife" before I become one. I am still trying to juggle what this will be like, how I can improve myself for my husband, for myself and for our relationship in perspective of God's Words and wisdom. I am working on creating my identify as a wife and soon-to-be newlywed. I am still learning how to handle this 'military wife life,' moving across the country, adopting a new sub culture of the US, and how to manage the impressions I'll have in front of all the new people I'll soon meet and become a part of. I am growing as an individual but also and already (hopefully) in my upcoming role as a  w i f e. 

And most importantly, I am recognizing that I have the room to grow. That I will continue to grow and despite whether I think people's eyes are all on me, or just mine are, or just my husbands;

I want my growing to be beneficial. I want my growing to be done in grace and acceptance; from myself and towards my new skin and identify. I want my growth to be in the direction of becoming a Godly and supportive wife, a loving and compassionate new friend and a strong and confident individual.

But most importantly with these new roles, 

"I will hold myself to a standard of grace."

I will recognize and know that I am working to improve myself ultimately for God, for my husband, and for myself. That I am a work in progress. I am not done yet. I will shatter the "Spotlight Effect," knowing it is a figment of my skewed lense of imperfect-human reality and those who view me 

(or let's be serious, don't even care to 'view' me). 

I will recognize that this transition will inevitably be met with lessons, trials and errors, tears one minute and laughter the next, new roles, habits, and routines to learn and that most likely some cuts and scrapes and bruises will occur. I will choose to learn instead of become frustrated by lessons, and strive to be patient in the work God is continuing to do within me. 

Click through link credit: Emily Ley

March Madness: Update Edition.

My my, March is happening quickly. Which, I feel I say every month. "Oh wow, __________ just got away from us, didn't it?" Or "Oh my goodness, where did ________ go?" I think it's a bad habit. Instead of realizing at the end of the month that it "got away from me," I'm going to be more intentional about time. A never-ending quest, I guess.

Anyway, here's some things that happened in March;

1. Bridal shower #1.

Which you already heard about. On two separate occasions, actually.

I truly have the world's greatest friends.


2. I almost burned down my apartment building.

I'm just kidding. 

Sort of. 

You see, I was getting ready for class and the only one in the apartment and I threw some breakfast muffins in the microwave to defrost that I had made a few months ago (a couple dozen of and I had done this before). They were actually my last two of the batch. Way to go out with a bang...or a siren? So the microwave started smoking and I realized they probably went on the "meat defrost" setting for a few minutes rather than...um...shorter. And well, the rest is history. I think our apartment still smells like smoke. Campus safety humiliated me by calling the "resident of apartment #___" up to the front stairs. While everyone was waiting in the parking lot outside that morning. Oh that was not a good day. So much smoke. 

3. I attempted to gain back my "kitchen credentials" from said burning incident with some wonderful cooking.

Brown rice, chicken broth potatoes, brown sugar carrots and olive oil brussels. 

Don't mind if I do. I can be a domestic goddess, I swear.

4. The weather started to decide maybe it won't be winter anymore. 

Even though no matter how hard I will the snow away, it lasted long. Just dragging myself to the barn lately has been difficult for many reasons. The obvious weather and freezing temperatures and ice make circles in the indoor miserable. That's when five other people aren't already riding in there. This guy loves to be outside and especially outside out of the ring, so that day we took a nice long walk around the property. He was so happy. The other reason being it's very emotional for me lately. With things being so up in the air, as pathetic as it sounds, it's almost easier just to avoid it altogether. To avoid facing it, to avoid facing him. I still feel like I failed him for some reason. But then I feel guilty and those emotions take over. And sad. And I don't know what to feel. It's all so conflicting. I guess that would be the right word. I know that I have him for the next couple of months. That he'll always be mine and my first guy and everything. I just don't know what else to do with that. Because of how much he physically cannot be mine now. 

5. I flew to see my favorite, redheaded human and soon-to-be husband. 

It was so nice to be with him again, of course. But it was even better to be able to picture the physical places our life will soon be; we drove around for hours looking for potential schools for me and churches for us. We drove around to get acquainted and so that I could see new places I haven't before. We saw our future apartment (even though I've seen it on video, so not the same). We even daydreamed about future kittens and house decorating. It was too short, as usual. But it was our last goodbye of our dating relationship. Our last airport sad dropoff. And realizing that, experiencing that, and knowing that the next time I see him it will be just days before our wedding? 

Absolute amazing insanity. 

It’s crazy to think that the next time I’m back there, I’ll be home. I’ll be his Mrs. We will be done with our dating distance indefinitely. We will have won. I have no doubts that he’s my best friend, as much as I hate that cliche term and only now understand why it's used. That I have the most fun and feel the most comfortable with him. I am so in love with him and so incredibly excited to marry him. I miss him a ton already, but I know that these next almost two months are going to go crazy fast and I will have so much to keep me busy. While that doesn’t make me miss him any less, it definitely helps speed things up a little bit.  It's nice to feel so comfortable and at ease. 

And it's really nice to feel taken care of. 

6. Home, transitioning and an overflowing sea of wedding planning. 

My mom said she went into my room and these were there.
My dad must have snuck them in early in the morning before work.
They're gorgeous and definitely fit my 'wildflower' flower-taste.

I am home this weekend and have been nonstop since I arrived late Wednesday evening. 

Home: It is so nice to be home and to savor it so much more than I used to. I value things I never thought I would and the time spent with family doing anything or nothing. I know that my time doing these anythings and nothings is going to be slim in the near future and with the craziness of the wedding approaching, I want to make sure I make every second count. 

Transitioning: It’s a strange thing, this transition stage. Like numb and senseless but also at the same time it feels like all my emotions are intensified twelve thousand notches and I want to cry and scream and be happy and sad all at the same time. I feel like that’s the only way to describe it. Some days the tears come strongly, somewhat of a mourning-the-past type stuff. Mostly late at night or when something sentimental triggers them. How I’ve grown and changed in this place. All the lasts. But other days I wait for them and they don’t appear. Should I feel guilty for not being sad all of the time? Should I feel guilty that I’m not doing cartwheels every day?And I know you’re tired of hearing about it, but whatever. I wish there was some eloquent way to spill it all out, but most often it just comes…well, spilling out. It’s hard to put into words this all, the intense feelings of being both incredibly sad and sentimental, but totally ecstatic at the same time. 

Wedding planning on wedding planning: As much of a total stink-fest as planning so much of a wedding sans groom/1500 miles away is, so many wonderful people have stepped in to help. Family and friends are willing and able to do whatever. I am blessed to have so many creative and artistic people in my life too! Dress fittings, invites out, final doctors appointments (before the move), hair appointments, bridal shower #2, etc. I am starting to feel overwhelmed, but that was inevitable. 

Don't get me wrong, the party will certainly be fun. But I am so ready for the boring life after the party, living out the vows and the new adventures with my husband. 

"Praying God's Word for Your Husband" 

"One of the adversary’s most useful schemes is to keep Christians focusing in their problems rather that God’s provision" // John R Cionca.

And repeat.

God is so amazing with His provisions and peace among tons of uncertainty. Over and over again, my human skin is astounded by my lack of faith in turn being overflowed with His patience and greatness as He asks me and us again and again to keep trusting Him more. Also, knowing that there is no other person I’d rather be on this crazy adventure with than Kevin is incredible to me. Seriously, blessed beyond belief. Even if one minute from the next, things can and do turn a little bit sideways. 

H a p p y  S p r i n g !

More // Bridal Shower.

More bridal shower pictures because they make me happy. And because my mama is just such an excellent photographer.

Is being an adult getting excited over cutting boards? nailed it. 

The gangs all here.

Favorite; this just makes me so happy. 

89 days!

Showered in Happiness | Pre-Wedding Festivities.

As February bowed out as gracefully as it could, I welcomed March with celebration, wonderful and caring friends, blessings, excitement, lace, my mama, and cupcakes. February was short and sweet and to the point. While at the same time, seeming to speed through a very long twenty-eight days of winter chill. 

those people I live with daily

the wonderful mastermind

this girl drove all the way to see me!

My beautiful bridesmaid, Emily, threw me a bridal shower for my college friends who would otherwise be unable to make it to a bridal shower I might receive while I am home in a few weeks. I am so thankful for the friends I've made here at school. Quality over quantity. Always. I have been blessed this year to live in an apartment with such awesome ladies as well. The first few years of this college thing were a struggle, but it's so fulfilling seeing where I am now, the people I've chosen to surround myself with and the state of mind, body and soul I get to bring away from this chapter. I am swimming in blessings and thankfulness towards the people who have taken me in, seen me at my best and worst and chosen to treat me with love and patience regardless. I am constantly stunned and saddened that they have never met my fiance because of circumstances. But have accepted him nonetheless.  

Even though I have been fighting the "Pinterest wedding" theme tooth and nail, I am so very obsessed with Emily's Pinterest-esque decor. I guess I just don't want a "Pinterest wedding" because so many people have done it. I want my wedding to not just be unique, but be us. That's really important to me. I want our wedding to be personal. I don't want our guests to question even for a second who's wedding they are at. Which, in  sense, sounds silly. But hey, I'm the bride. (I always forget I can use that!!!) Not be Pinterest. Or the other hundred million girls who've gotten married in a barn with mason jars (no offense, I really love that rustic look and have incorporated some of it into our wedding). 

However...

I love that we can incorporate lace and maps and little personal details and likes of ours (or mine, not that my military man fiance is super into lace). This weekend has been an invitation for me to start making some headspace among the last-semester-of college-work to start thinking about May 31st again. And that makes me happy. 

I mean, 

only three more months? 

Holy moly!