Tick..tick..boom.

This past week was one for the books...

You know those times in the phases of your seasons of life when everything is going so smoothly;

too smoothly. 

And you're half waiting for the inevitable explosion, the conclusive eruption of the soft and steady, in with the chaos and confusion. The latter came in like a lion this past week. After the phase of soft and steady. All at once, and gradually.

My mind and heart spun like a web of doubt into the future of my choices; my tried and true story of what I've always thought turned into questions of if I can do it, why am I doing it, what if I can't do it. Life and voice across the continent was quiet. Home continued to slowly become a vague and confusing term meaning both something physical and emotionally and metaphorical, juggling far too many people and concepts and places connected to that term. Too afraid to leave any of them behind in the fury of change and shifting chapters, too afraid to leave behind pieces of me in places I'm uncertain of when I will return to. I have this capability, of magnifying every little problem into something twelve thousand times worse. Maybe we all do that. Or at least I hope that I'm not the only one. I also am a pro at pushing people away and lashing out when all of this happens, people closest to me love when this happens, I swear. It's taken a little while for the dust to settle. To return to sane mind (mostly) and somewhat of a sane spirit.

It's taken awhile in all this change and movement, to remember that even though I will change, that this is inevitable, and leave and move on in life, the places I have dubbed home will still remain, the people within them will still be there or somewhere to relive these moments again. A place called home at any point can be made accessible again and better yet, home will reshape itself into some place different.

We will have a little abode to call our own. 

My lovely fiance long-distance-‘house’-hunted (after we looked online) and we’ve settled on a lovely townhome style set-up in a familiar complex. He toured it and deemed it “homey” and a “nice couples living place” while I await a video. My heart is full and awaiting the day when we walk through the doors as newlyweds, exhausted and exhilarated, ready to start this adventure God has blessed us with.

A day when I get to put this print I got almost a year ago now just as we were first engaged, on our wall and chant this motto wherever we may be planted in the future; both physically and everything else. I cannot wait for a life and a home. I cannot wait for the first terrifying and exhausting two weeks of our life together, which holds a wedding, a honeymoon, a first flight with my husband and moving into our first home together. But until then, I remember to treasure the present to the best of my ability. I continue to grow on my own, to learn how to be the best wife and friend I can potentially be, to learn everyday how to not only love someone else but to love myself, to cherish the seconds of alone time and dreams of the future that hangs just far enough to see but not close enough to touch just yet. For today, I grow where I am planted. For right now, I am planted here. My roots may not be set in the place that I am in, but temporary ones are. They won’t be broken when I leave this place, but I will shed them like skin and leave them here, with the changes I will take everything this place and these people and this person I am here have taught me. I cannot believe how soon that will be. And that is both terrifying and exhilarating to me. It is something I am processing and will continue to do so for the next seven months until that plane flight with my husband sitting next to me happens.

Even still, I will continue to shed the skin of home and carry it with me. Attached, but not so much. Connected, but differently. Reshaped into my own home, a new home. A new chapter. Among all the other stresses of life, having this constantly in the foreground of my heart and my brain overwhelms me.

This week, I was a ticking time bomb, ashamed to admit that I was unable to get all my scattered thoughts and daily stresses under control.

So I stand before you, a human. I am not perfect. But that is no excuse to hurt myself or other people around me. I'm working on it. Flaws are not pretty, but they are capable of growing pretty things, meaningful lessons

with a little water and sunlight

and a whole lotta grace.

Growth. 
It's happening. Not always without a little pain, though.

In which I learn that I am an introvert.

I had a conversation with someone a couple days ago who has only known me a short while. We were talking about introverts and extroverts, and she was severely mistaken about which of those I was. I mentioned offhand mid-way through our conversation, {like I already expected her to know that, because I do, duh} "Oh I am such an introvert." She was taken aback at my statement and wasn't sure whether to laugh it off or show the confusion I already noticed. She responded with a "Really!?!? I would never have guessed." I was surprised that they were so surprised I admitted to being such a thing. Maybe a few years back, I wouldn't have admitted to being so. 

Because I think, a few years back I had no clue what this even meant. 

I had to learn that I was an introvert. 

Strange, right? 

The very definition of introvert means "to turn inward, or in upon oneself." But I have learned that being an introvert vs. being an extrovert is all about where you recharge, how you recharge. I get my energy from being by myself and I drain my energy from being around people. I need that time of solitude. No really, I physically need that time. I think being in a teaching position where all eyes are on me kind of confuses people, like the conversation I previously talked about. I don't mind public speaking. I don't love it of course, but I'm not as shy around new people as I used to be. And maybe some people who initially meet me would mistake me for an extrovert, I don't know. I've sort of grown into the societal expectations centered around this adult-life stuff. 

Which in flashing neon signs, screams;

"Be an extrovert, then you'll succeed at everything and everyone will like you." 

This makes me sad. I will shake your hand and strike up pleasant and proper conversation even if I don't know you. It is not that I cannot hold a polite conversation with you. I have proper social skills. I can interact in a group of people. I know how to collaborate and work together and I don't mind speaking to a group of people. I certainly am capable of teaching a classroom full of twenty-five students. But I guess I had this person fooled. They were incorrect, I am not extroverted in the slightest.

It's true; 

I am an introvert. 

Interestingly enough,
this topic has actually appeared in several conversation I've had in the last few weeks. 

Being an introvert is severely and commonly mistaken. And until I started really learning about myself, I didn't know what it meant either. 'Introverted' does not mean that I hate people or are not a 'people-person.' I love people. I love meeting people and hearing their stories and learning about them. I teach. I love teaching. I have grown accustom to actually loving being in front of the room with twenty-five pairs of little eyes on me. In fact, I would say I'm pretty comfortable in that position now. But when I am in that position for eight hours a day, when I am constantly with people, answering questions, talking to people, making conversation, being social, fulfilling certain expectations, being surrounded in a working environment with people, or even caring on meaningless conversations, the quickest thing I want to do when I get back from a day like that is sit alone. No talking. Doing something mindless. No answering questions. Just me. Alone. No one to heart or talk to.

Just...recharge.
I need that.

I've never truly understood the way that I operate before. Which, to be honest, sounds a little strange. I think these past three years have been a whole lot of learning about myself, about growth, and about self-awareness. I am an introvert. I admit it. There is nothing wrong with it. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained by other people. My brain and my body function differently than an extrovert. I need solitude. I need quiet.

I need that time. 

And maybe the most important thing about learning this is the last part; 

learning that I need that time. 

That it's okay to need that time. 

That this is how I live my life and how I go on living my life. 

How I stay healthy and sane and how I truly recharge. 

Susan Cain has a pretty awesome TED Talk about introverts. An introverted ex-lawyer.

"Before I became a writer, I practiced corporate law for seven years, representing clients like JP Morgan and General Electric, and then worked as a negotiations consultant, training all kinds of people, from hedge fund managers to TV producers to college students negotiating their first salaries. My clients have included Merrill Lynch, Shearman & Sterling, One Hundred Women in Hedge Funds, and many more. I went to Princeton University and Harvard Law School. From all this you might guess that I’m a hardcore, wonderfully self-confident, pound-the-table kind of person, when in fact I’m just the opposite. I prefer listening to talking, reading to socializing, and cozy chats to group settings. I like to think before I speak (softly). And somehow I know that everything I’ve ever accomplished, in love and in work, I owe to these traits, annoying though they may sometimes be."

I also do think the world underestimates introverts a little bit. Maybe the universe and the people in it, the people who are not introverts, don't know how to truly handle introverts. Maybe there is too much pressure on going out and not enough on the concept of re-charging, whatever that may look like to different people; be it introverts or extroverts. Maybe more people should figure out what they are, how they recharge. Maybe it would make the world more productive, like Susan Cain lets on. I don't really have the answers to these wonderings. But I do know that people should know how they function, that the human brain and body is an amazing and complicated thing, and that all of the above fascinate me not just in general, but in a very personal way.

And I know that learning that I am introvert has been incredibly beneficial to my everyday living.

Unfortunately, just like my conversation, 

not everyone you meet is aware of this rather large personality trait. 

And when you do figure it out, it's not a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with you. 

This is how your brain functions. 

Embrace it and learn about it.

80s in October.

It is officially October. And while it was 85 degrees here today and the past few days, I will continue with....."it's October?" 

Not much to report, so here is my last week via Instagram.

1. Apple picking - My first time (since an itty-bitty kiddo at least!). Spent time with a friend my birthday weekend. It was nice to get away and soak in the sun...and mountain climb some trees? We were fierce to get those suckers and came back with more apples than we knew what to do with!

2. Family birthday visits - It's nice to share something with my mom. (My dad could care less) and my horse couldn't be more distracted. Bunch 'a goobers, my family.

3. Ferociously shoving vitamins down my throat - Being in an elementary school is germy to say the least and combined with the constant weird weather changes, no one is safe! Trying my hardest to stay healthy as full-time teaching approaches and I will need my energy and stamina.

4. Spending as much time as time allows with my monster - It's hard to not think about May and all the good, but sad that it will bring with it. My schedule is out of control, but I know I have to make time for him.

Speaking of out of control schedule and making time...

5. Exhibit A; Out of control schedule - This semester will consist of being in school/teaching and when that isn't happening, planning to teach. Must...learn....balance....stay....sane....for next three months...

6. Exhibit B; Making time for the important - Today I missed home and our apartment decided to stay in for church. I curled back up in bed and listening to some podcasts from the church I recently started attending with my best friend and loving in the summer. It's sometimes frustrating to not feel a church-fit out at school, but it was nice to feel semi-connected back to home for the morning.

Happy October! 

Hopefully it will start feeling like it soon. Although, somewhere inside of me, I am convinced this is the universe's way of getting me used to "autumn" in the South and 90s in November...Oooof...