Permanent lessons.

I have a tattoo.

I got it my freshman year of college.
I don't regret it, but sometimes it does makes me a little sad.

"Without love, I am nothing"

Let me explain. 

I love my tattoo. It is very very meaningful to me. That's the important part, to me. I got my tattoo after sitting with the idea for nearly three years. In fact, my parents didn't put up a fight about me getting it because they didn't think my wimpy self would actually go through with the pain. (And let me tell you, so much pain). Not only is it a bible verse close to my heart (1 Corinthians 13:2) but it is also in Thai, a country also close to my heart.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

When I was in high school I went for a month-long missions trip in 2009 with a student team from all over the country with a Texas based christian org called Global Expeditions. We had country contacts there and did work for them in orphanages and villages, manual labor, prayer walking, and teaching English in universities and “home-groups.” We were there for about three weeks and to this day, I still recall that those were the most life-changing three weeks of all my near-21 years of living. I got to experience so many things culturally that going out of the country does to you. I would so so so strongly recommend anyone of any age to do before they die. Go someone in a completely different culture. Be totally and rawly out of your comfort zone, your language, your element. I don’t care what you do there but see different things, experience different traditions and people. Some of the people we met there were the nicest, most welcoming and friendly people I have ever known, though we could hardly communicate with them (we learned a tiny bit of thai but not much!) I learnt so much from every experience I had there, about life and other people. The city life is busy and full of people everywhere, but the villages are beautiful in their own way. These people live on hardly anything. The orphanages we got to help in taught me things I could never convey to anyone else.

The country in and of itself is absolutely breathtaking. The landscape, rice fields, mountains and climate is beautiful. It poured and poured everyday *we were there in July-Aug which is the rainy season.* Everyday around early afternoon it would pour and pour buckets of rain, then in a half hour the sun would come out just before it set. temples and their religion and history are fascinatingly unique and beautiful. We were mostly the city of Chiang Mai but then went up (8 hr truck ride…up a mountain) to the village of Mae Hong Son for two weeks.

So about reason for this ink permanently on my foot...

That would be because of this little guy. 

Ty.

One morning on the trip during our private morning devos we were heavily encouraged to go off and do, stuck right around the "love chapter" everyone knows so well, I found the phrase, "But have not love, I am nothing." Right in His perfect timing of falling apart in exasperation and begging to see what He was showing me through the trip, why I was even there. I was defeated and confused. Right in the last few days, the morning before we went to that orphanage, before I got to hang out with that little guy. From then on I sat with this verse God showed to me during the trip during my devotionals. 

After I got the tattoo, I wrote this letter to Ty. No, he will never read it. But I have it for me. For the reason behind this ink. 

I know. 

Dear Ty,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the past few days. I think of that day and I can play back every moment in my head, but at the same time it’s a giant blur. The teachings, the laughing, the holding and hugging.
I have never felt greater love for a stranger, the love of God’s child. Your little hands held onto me and when I reached out my arms I felt something I will never be able to convey to another human being, I just can’t explain it. For that day, we loved you, I loved you. You taught me how to love again. You taught me that everything in the world didn’t always have to be bitter. You brought me out of a place.
You inspired me to love, to love life and myself and my God. You taught me that without love, I’m nothing. You taught me that I can be in a place the past. And that none of that mattered in that one day. You taught me that hugging and holding sometimes is the simplest and greatest solution to anything and that a child’s laughter, your laughter, is a memory that I want to take hold of and repeat over and over again everyday for the rest of my life.
I think of you everyday. I look down at my foot, at a language I can’t understand and I think of you, of what you taught me. I look at something forever with me, forever inked into my body and I think of you. Of the greatest lesson that you taught me.
Love.
“But have not love, I am nothing.”
I don’t know where you are right now Ty, I don’t know if you’re safe or warm or being held. I don’t know if you’re laughing or crying. I don’t know if you’re bleeding or if you are nestled safe under a roof. I don’t know if you’re running or sick or in the company of people who love you. I don’t even know if you’re still alive, years later.
But know this, I loved you. I love you.
For that day and for the rest of my life.
I cannot wait to see you in eternity, sweet boy. 

You see, similar to a lot of 16+ year olds, I was a little...sour in my love. Towards myself and the confidence, towards God and all that I'd been taught and seen, known and shown, and maybe not seen and not shown. And towards people who hurt me. People I loved. People I trusted and relied upon but had shown me something other than trust and love. 

"Without love, I am nothing." 

What a simple, but extremely powerful lesson. Unfortunately one that we all know quite well, but sometimes need to be reminded of. I like that I have this lesson and memory with me forever. 

My peace I leave with you.

God has been doing something strangely wonderful within me lately.

With all the changes either happening now, gradually happening, or soon-to-be happening, I have felt like I have no control over anything. Graduating, school, locations, moving, wedding plans, something involving the military, life plans. You name it. I have felt out of control of "it" at some point in the last given year or so. Which is very human of me, yes I will use the cop out excuse.

The wonderful thing that God is doing in me though, is replacing anxiety with a surprisingly amount of peace. I've reached a point in this (oh my goodness, I can't believe I'm using this cliche thing) "journey," be it graduating college, getting married, or moving across the country, where I don't feel so much anxiousness anymore. Granted, that is speaking for this moment, please don't ask me this between the two weeks of me graduating and getting married. However, I am also learning I can only take it day by day. That's what God has given me. Today. And not only has He given me today, but He has given me peace and rest, and then He's instructed me to be thankful for it! 

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful." Colossian 3:15

He's gone a step further lately though. He's not only replaced my anxiousness with peace, but also with excitement and enthusiasm. I am so excited to be living my last year in school with amazing ladies. I am excited to be engaged and love this stage in our relationship before we're arriving at the alter. I am thrilled with changes, even though at times I am absolutely terrified. I am looking forward to new places and adventures with the person I happen to be in love with. And I am anxious in all the best ways for these things to happen, to graduate and feel accomplished for all the hard work I have put in to the past three, soon-to-be four years. I am anxious in a good way to be on my own and away from familiarity to create a home and familiarity among new places with new people, not because I do not love my 'old places or people' but because they have taught me well.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 

What a wonderful reassurance when we don't feel so peaceful all of the time, hmm? 

Three and a half.

Today, August 18th marks three and a half years of being in love with this guy. And while I will refrain from this post reflecting any sort of sappy love letter, sometimes it's just difficult not to gush. He arrived at the airport last week on Friday afternoon and sadly left today. We spent nine days together doing everything from wedding planning, attending appointments, and absolutely nothing.

What a good sport

We spent time with my family and his mom, who came from PA to visit for a few days. We walked on the beach and savored the few last weeks of summer. I even tried to sway his very non-italianness to my very favorite pastries. He fell madly in love with a favorite pastry different from mine, which no one can even begin to correctly pronounce... Sfogliatelle, anyone?

Dedicated cannoli lover for life

Family time included mother-daughter selfies and a constant reminder to mentally record all that kept happening; the jokes, the fooling around, the quiet evenings, the walks, sunsets, family time, and both silly words, and wise words. This summer, I have been consistently shifting from savoring the old and looking forward to all the new, that most days I don't know which I should spend time dwelling on. I feel guilty dwelling too much on the future, as I should always be grateful and dwell in the present. However, I have a hard time coming away from my roots, so much so that I never even realized I have these roots. Does that make sense? But in the same moment, I realize I will never really shake them; my roots. That's a nice thought. Even when I'm not physically near all of it. I'm learning that I don't have to permanently get rid of anything when I can always have it in memories and people and pictures and promised visits. 

I got to spend time out, being almost like a normal couple with this stud, even if it was only temporary; family dinners, frozen yogurt dates, and quality time spent doing everything and nothing together. More and more I realize that, as much as I've always rejected the idea of "I'm in love with my best friend" because of it's cheese-factor, I know why people say it. I really just love spending time with him. We don't have to be out, we don't have to be dressed up or doing strict planned things. I just love being with him and talking to him and laughing with him. And man of man, I get to spend the rest of my life like this? 

More on that later.

We did countless wedding things; met with people, booked things, tasted way too much cake, took pretty pictures in order to announce that Saturday in May we're gettin hitched, (more on those later too...!) and productively conquered things on that giant and seemingly intimidating list spelling out the next almost nine months. But alas, we took time and banned all wedding talk, planning, discussion and decisions and just remembered to be normal...or as normal as our relationship can be.

No deposits, deadlines, or confirmations needed. 

Just the two of us. We even got put on babysitting duty for an afternoon.

And let me tell you. If that picture doesn't melt your heart, you have some kind of problem. I will openly admit, I am a walking contradiction. I constantly glare and shush people who spring the "So when do you two plan on having kids" (answer: none of your business...or nicely put, that is between us and God, thank you for asking), question then gush over any little one I see, (I get yelled at constantly by my fiance for pointing out cute kids in public). My excuse is that I am always working with kids, so a lot of times I'm more comfortable with them than with adults. 

Shh, don't tell anyone.

And then, 

the inevitable came. 

As it always, always does.

Three and a half years of airport parking lots, tears, terminals, duffle bags, blubbering goodbye kisses, Skype, time differences, miscommunications, and days feeling like you’re in love with a stranger. 

But then at the same time it’s been three and a half years of airport hugs and kisses, hand holding walking out to the car after months of waiting, serious talks, planning, getting to know each other all over again, and milestones. The good will always outweigh the bad, and it’s hard but always worth it. Sometimes I don’t know how we do it, but somehow we manage. 

Only a couple more goodbyes, then one amazing final wedding hello celebration. 

We got this.

The seemingly trivial aspects of life.

I will be the first to admit that I have the memory of a goldfish. Hence, constant list-maker. I most definitely take after my mother and have always followed her example of lists. I am also a firm believer (and addict) of planners, already showing you my latest, greatest and most pretty one I recently picked up. Anyone who knows me, especially throughout school will probably be able to point out that I am an avid Post It lover and constantly scribbling anything from grocery lists, to do lists, to remember lists.

Anything that helps me remember all of life's {seemingly} important things.

Maybe it's the "teacher" in me, maybe it's the memory thing, maybe it's seeing my mom doing it growing up. But I don't think it's a habit that will be fading anytime soon.

Which brings me back to this little space on the internet; my little space. I've been a little wishy-washy lately about what to put here. I am continuously wondering

Oh is that too trivial?

No one cares about that. 

Is that important enough 

or too stupid to actually put time and energy into typing or posting?

I've recently realized that as much as this space is about growing, it's also a form of documentation. Granted, I will try not to bore anyone will anything obviously trivial. 

But that's just it. 

Maybe what seems trivial to me isn't to you, or what's trivial to you isn't to me. 

So this space is going to be used to remember. While being conscious enough to live and not just to document. But I think that it is important to think of both when taking up space and time, mine or yours. I want to have something visible when my memory slips, I want to have images and more importantly to me, words. I want to write what I can so that I can remember exactly how that happened or what I was thinking in that moment. I want to use it as a measurement of growth, able to see where I was, what I was doing and where I am now. 

So cheers to new adventures. 

And to having a place that helps me remember them. 

A memorable {last} one.

This past summer has been like a strange sort of purgatory for me. Like every true college kid, I love the comforts of home; my bed, my hometown, not having to wear flip flops in the shower, eating 'real food,' my family, my stuff, my pets, the familiar. With so much constantly changing as I get ready for my last year of school, plan the wedding, and both mentally and physically prepare for a very different life exactly a year from now; I have been all over the place.

In the beginning of the summer, I was privileged to take a class for a total three weeks in the country of Northern Ireland. It was gorgeous there and I am so grateful for the opportunity, what I learned about the country, as well as all that I learned about myself.

sunset on the plane leaving the US

gorgeous sunset on the countryside; around 11pm

the city of Belfast

Giant's Causeway

Ballintoy Harbor 

Giant's Causeway

As you can see it was obviously not hard to just bask in the country's overwhelming and very blatant natural beauty. Coming home mid-June, it was difficult, but refreshing to finally get into some kind of rhythm of the summer life. Taking childcare jobs here and there, I had difficulty finding something stable and regular. I was frustrated and defeated. It was hard knowing that my last summer home and the time I most practically need to save money would rather be me not having a steady job and income, something I've held for years. Also, it would be the first summer (besides N. Ireland) that I would not be taking some sort of course (online or attending a state school). I'm obviously pretty good at stay busy. It keeps me sane.

But I guess God had different plans.

Strawberry picking with family 

lots of quality time with this munchkin 

relaxing through baking/cooking

Through the past few (often frustrating and seemingly boring!) months I've seen that maybe this is what my last summer should be, but not something I would ever willingly give to myself. Although I am starting to itch to get back to school, throw myself into student teaching and craving a routine, I have been blessed by simply staying home these past few months. It's allowed me to hold value on the things and people who really matter in my life. Not just focusing on how much I'm going to miss them (not thinking about that part yet!), but on how important it is to just recognize all that! Something maybe we....eh hem, I...am usually too busy or rushed to do. I've spent valuable time with family and friends, done and truly placed value simple things (like lots of baking or just laying by the pool talking), had the ability to casually and excitedly plan things for the wedding I otherwise would not have time for, and take time to myself. I've been able to relax before my final year of school and the whirlwind of life changes along with inevitable countless hours of hard work. While it's a little difficult to admit, I quite like how this summer turned out. Sure it would have been nice to stay busier because that's what I'm used to. And sure, having a full time reliable job is super. But I guess it's a tiny bit of a foot-in-the-mouth-God-moment to realize that all my usual big 'ole plans of staying busy and rushing the time spent at home with friends and family, actually turned into a lazy and memorable time.

But I guess that's how it works most often, right?

One that maybe I would have otherwise missed being in and out the door everyday. 

Regardless, I'm glad this summer turned out the way it did. I'm glad that I'm not too busy (although I do heavily crave routine, but time and place, you know?...) I'm glad that although this is the last full summer I'll spend at home, I'm able to be fully present in all the right ways.

It's been sweet.