From where I stand; v.2.

From where I stand, I see piles of long-overdue laundry holding the ability to easily take up three small washers in the tiny smelly college apartment laundry room downstairs. I see red and green socks that trigger Christmas morning memories, that miss their coordinating pair of green and red identical ones belonging to one blue-eyed red-haired boy. You know it's time to do laundry when you are down to the few pairs of socks that generally get shoved in the very back space of your drawer, you know the ones with holes peeking out in the tips of the toes. The ones that you struggle to get rid because of those days exactly like today. Back-ups. Because don't we all always need some kind of security blanket; in life, in socks. 

From where I stand, I hear Pandora blasting, shifting between upbeat tracks of both familiar and unrecognizable songs. My feet sway to the music as I toss T-shirts and dirty socks into their respective color-coded piles on top of the generic ugly gray carpet. I struggle to sing along. I pretend to know all the words alone in this tiny apartment, as I float around the room finding socks that have tried to hide from their hot water doom in the dark shadows underneath the bed.  

From where I stand, I see leggings peeking out from under jeans. Jeans that are starting to get a little looser in the knees and waist, reminding their wearer of the victory of shedding those holiday unwelcome pounds. I mean cookies and pies. The thin black leggings add an extra layer of desired warmth against the winds and chill of the single digit January temperatures, as I walk across campus to work this afternoon. I shivered even in all the layers I have donned. I long for summer and warmer temperatures and then immediately pray I didn't speak or think too soon, hoping that I didn't welcome the overwhelming humidity of the inevitable July and August months  more than usual or necessary in my future home. 

From where I stand, I take in a deep breathe and for a moment, I clear all the plans, all the appointments and meetings, all the wedding deadlines and stresses of moving and packing up gradually. I take a snapshot of this seemingly insignificant moment and hold it with great accomplishment. I chase away the already-thoughts of all that could go wrong and all the fears of the upcoming months and for a moment 

I allow myself to be. 

To be in that minute, that moment. Be in that afternoon. Be in the cold, tune out the notes and dwell in the silence. Be in this college apartment for the next and last few months, living alone and together with friends, and clothing myself with more independence and lessons and accomplishment of all that I've gained and learnt in the past four years. Be before I take on my new identity as wife. I allow myself to be as the reel rewinds of all the fighting and tears, that February night in the hotel, those winter days in the corner room, all the darkness and triggers, every thing I have beaten down, including myself. 

And I overflow with gratitude towards my Heavenly Father of all that He has brought me to, where He has allowed me to walk and not walk, to be and to go, to see and to learn, 

and I stand a little bit more confident, 

a little bit stronger.   

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me," 

2 Timothy 4:17.

What inspires you?

I've been thinking lately what inspiration means to me.

As a writer, it's easy to get bogged up in my own head and bubble up until I'm hopefully able to spew it out. Normally this happens at odd hours of the night when my mind and my heart are {not quite} dancing together with awkward unbalanced steps. I started thinking about what inspires me and when and how I feel the most creative.

I am a right brain lady. (Or has psychology debunked that theory? I can't remember). Regardless, expressive/creative, over logic/mathematical. Definitely always. But after even remotely thinking about publishing any of my writing, I started thinking where this all came from and what triggers me. How it's difficult for me to just summon up feelings out of no where and scribble on a blank page. I get my inspiration from writing based solely on how I'm feeling in that moment. Emotions drive me. Not necessarily a healthy statement, but true nonetheless. I thought about what truly inspires me and this is what I came up with so far...

I am inspired by how I feel; for strangers, for loved ones, for myself, for friends, for someone who's hurt me, for someone who's forgotten me, for someone who's encouraged me, ignored me, trusted me. I am inspired by how I feel in situations and changes, in trials and triumphs usually that directly relates to other people or my feelings towards myself in that situation. And in order for me to somehow process that amount of inspiration, I feel the need to get it out. Somehow. Remember, emotional human being over here. God has designed us so intricately and emotionally-sculpted that I am left in total amazement. Maybe sometimes I should thank God for making me this emotional, for the blessing of feeling so strongly, instead of be upset by the way I feel so much so often. Maybe I can learn to do that. Hopefully.

I am inspired by words; My love language is Words of Affirmation, but I think I could over-generalize that to say that my love language is really and truly, words. I am inspired by other's stories. I am inspired by stories told by others, led by others and exemplified by others. I am inspired by listening to someone bear their soul or even just a trial in their life. I am inspired when I am called to listen, to hold my talking tongue and to absorb fully someone else's words.

I am inspired by potential; I am inspired by potential of the student's knowledge and growth, by the half-finished craft or project, by the opportunity to grow in my own maturity or knowledge. I am inspired by the potential of plans or a travel date, of an unknown conversation with a stranger in the grocery store or airplane. I am inspired by the potential of an empty house, a new opportunity, a new friend, a blank canvas, a blank page. So now,

What   inspires    you? 

Learn about it. Think about it. Do something about it.
The world is tired of uninspired people, myself included.
God has given so much to us to be inspired by.

Currently | Monday Check-up.

Awesome picture I took on the way home the other day

Obsessing over: Health and fitness. I am so pumped with this workout calendar I'm doing with Nicol. I've also mean-planned for the next couple of weeks. Being conscious on how I work my body and what I put into it is a process. But I really really like it. It's all about balance. But the most important part is that it makes me feel good.

Working on: Not obsessing over the future. It's difficult when you are constantly bombarded with friends and peers getting or applying to jobs. It's intimidating. And I'm not one to be comfortable with not having a "plan." I like having a plan.

Drinking: I have been craving sweet tea for weeks and finally stopped at McDonalds on the way back from my tutoring job tonight. Heavenly. Maybe I'll be just fine living in the South afterall. At least in that aspect.

Waiting for: Now that I've been talking about eating healthy and previously mentioned sugar-filled iced tea, I guess I should admit that I have Chocolate Chip Pumpkin bread from Trader Joe's in the oven for the next half hour. It's a mix and it's heavenly. Good gosh.

Excited for: Finally seeing some lovely ladies towards the end of this month, finally starting the semester and getting the next four months rolling. I have been craving routine so badly after the previous few weeks have been a little scattered. It's nice to have a steady job and regular hours, but after teaching full-time and being occupied 7am-5pm, I am going nutso not being so busy!

Listening to: Okay okay, I confess. I'm watching The Bachelor. 

A daunting realization.

Just like every soon-to-be college graduate, I am starting to feel that real world, career path looming pressure. The kind they don't tell you about, but you hear murmurs of from friends just a little bit older than you. The kind that makes you start to suddenly doubt if these past four years have even happened at all, if you can do it, if you even learned anything in the career field you chose as a naive, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed eighteen year old college freshman. 

Now, twenty-two, you have definitely learned some things you'd never realize or plan to.

It's terrifying, to say the least. I've been wrapped inside my head a lot lately. As per usual. Overwhelmed, feeling a little under qualified. Self-doubting, and second guessing. I think this is normal. At least I hope it is. But I wouldn't be surprised. At least I know that much. I know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I know this is a phase, a usual occurrence of those pre graduation, I'm sure. As the next four months pass, I'm beginning to recognize that I will go through these phases. After all, going from college senior, to college graduate to married lady, to moving across the country and starting a new life might be a little bit of an identity crisis waiting to happen. But that's okay. 

Because I am absolutely sure of a few things that will help me get through; 

• I am not alone in my overwhelmed roller coaster feelings. Go ahead, poll one hundred soon-to-be college graduates and tell me what you find. I bet I could give you a hint. Because there is no way I am alone in feeling like this, like the world is suddenly enormous and daunting. Or there is a sudden need to go back and have multiple redos because you just need that one more moment, or that memory to repeat itself again. You need to feel that newness, that freshness, that same naivety you felt coming in to college. But I hate to break it to you kiddo, welcome to that big bad world. It's waiting for you. To do something. To make something of it and of that path you chose. It wasn't by accident. You had a God and passions and inspirations and people that somehow helped in your choosing. 

• I am loved by a God who knows all of the mysteries of the universe, including how the heck I am going to handle this all. But that's the beauty. I don't have to handle everything at once. He's got it. I just need to have faith. {Matthew 17:20} And sometimes, be still and let him handle it. {Exodus 14:14}. Something I'm learning, but I'm not very good at. We're getting there, I hope. 

• I will have a husband (slash, I already have a fabulous fiance). But I repeat, I will have a husband! Which more or less, is like the best and ultimate support system, or so I've been told. It's basically a handsome built-in boost of love and encouragement...and I mean, come on, how great does that sound when the world looks terrifying.

• New things are exciting, albeit scary, but stop focusing on that part. Embrace the adventure! I get to meet new people, make new connections, go new places and take on a whole new region of the country. I am excited to get to know this almost different culture and type of people, even if they're so incredibly unfamiliar to me. It will be okay. New is scary, but exciting. 

Last but not least...One day at a time, right? 

Stay tuned.

From where I stand; v.1.

From where I stand I see a sleepy, needy dachshund who has been stuck like glue to my side for a solid week now. He has insisted on being in my face, in my space, on my lap, under the covers and next to me anywhere and everywhere constantly. Say what you will if you're not a 'dog person' but he knows when I'm leaving or when I'm about to leave again. It makes me sad to know that I will have to ultimately leave him home. 

From where I stand, I a see a sunlight spot trying to peek in through the family room skylight after this cold snap and bitter January air we've been struggling with. I see a slight glimpse of sun through the thirteen windows of the sun porch and the broken, bare winter trees in the backyard. I see the remnants of a blizzard starting to wash away with rain. 

From where I stand I saw an anxious heart and stirring mind. But I've found a tremendous amount of new peace and courage. This time home has been trying and getting ready for a wedding and move and life change is easy to psych yourself out for. I was talking to a friend recently and was starting in on all my worries. I kept bringing them up and dumping them out in the safety of our conversation. Suddenly she said, "Wait, but you'll be with him. You guys will be together." No matter what else happens, I feel like I've spent so much of my emotions, so much of my time and energy worrying about being separated from what I've known or what I'm familiar and comfortable with, that I've forgotten who I'm doing it with. In all the chaos and change, I've fixated on the looming presence of change and insecurity that I've let it slip from the forefront of my mind who I'm doing this adventure with, and why I'm doing it with him. 

From where I stand I see a home created by people who love me, numerous blessings through provisions and comforts we are fortunate to have. A fireplace still with the coals from last night's fire when people cannot afford heat, or the remains of today's baking experiment as I experiment with my looming identification. I see scattered pictures of new family babies and growing up cousins and brothers and pets. I see touches of my mother's style and Christmas decorations that escaped the clean up by labeling themselves as winter instead. I see the past weeks of traffic through that family room in my memory; new friends and old, wise friends and long talks, gatherings around the fires with parents, late dinners and tv trays. I guess I never really will leave this place afterall, or rather maybe it won't leave me. I'll bring pieces of it into my own home, visions and memories of it into my future.  

Currently | Monday Check-up.

Reading: I have a list of books I would like to conquer during the time I have off from my classes in the month of January. I have Timothy Keller's, "The Meaning of Marriage" sitting on my nightstand, but I am currently reading, "Teach Like Your Hair's On Fire." I'm hoping I can work my way through both of these. However, I just got a bunch of free Beth Moore Kindle edition books through an Amazon promotion. I'm thinking these will be perfect for my time at the gym, as I (used to) love bringing my Kindle with me on the elliptical! So I definitely have more than enough of something to satisfy me for a bit. At least before my part-time semester kicks in!

Doing: About to bake some delicious muffins for a girl's night/Bachelor party at my house. Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal muffins, yes please! I just came from the flower shop and ordered my wedding flowers. I am overwhelmed, grateful and excited. Wedding planning is nuts!!

A little sneak peak of my inspiration for the wedding flowers

Drinking: My trademark carmel Dunkin black iced coffee, of course. And yes, I am aware it is the winter. But yes, I am a Northern Girl through and through! I don't think you know how excited I was to find out that my future home finally acquired a Dunkin not too far from the complex we'll be in. Hallelujah! I need that stuff flowing through my bloodstream at all times...{No, no addict here.} 

Thinking about: The ambitious email I just pressed send on. My professor had shared that she wanted to look into publishing a piece of writing that I'd sent to her to read. I was leery of it at first, as I'm not generally 'public' with the personal pieces I write. However, she insisted I send it to an education journal and I shied away from doing so. Recently, I've been convicted of sharing my writing a little bit more and messaged her this morning asking about how I would go about doing this. I'm intrigued, but still a little nervous. So stay tuned.

I guess I'm also thinking about the wedding of course! After just being at the flower shop for nearly two hours, I guess it's cliche to say that I can finally "envision what my wedding is going to look like." I am constantly bombarded (in both a very emotional good and scary way) of the reality that is my next five or six months. Scary for sure, but also very very exciting and fun and...life changing!

Loving: My patient fiance. 

I'm having a little bit of a hard time during this transition period. Leaving what I know and love, but being so very excited to go where I'm going and be where I'll be is truly terrifying and exciting at the same time. I also really hope to continue my mentality of trying to stay fixed in the present, no matter how much I am chomping at the bit to go ahead to all the new points of life I'll be in. But that's becoming increasingly difficult as I'm looking forward to crossing the finish line after four years of distance to start a whole new chapter with this guy. I want to enjoy my last semester of school, be fully present in the moments with friends and family that I have left, and enjoy the anticipation of the events that are to come before they actually come; all the planning and preparations. I want to enjoy the details without stressing over them, I guess you could say.

Which is all very difficult, let me tell you. 

Regardless, currently I am enjoying my last few days of break at home before I trek back to school to begin a (classless) work-filled January term of the semester. 

Organizational mode - activated

Spending time with my munchkin baby

And then finally begin my final part-time Spring semester. 

I am constantly reminding myself to slow down. 

(unknown source)

Happy 2014!

{I'm getting married this year. Ah!}

Do things with passion or not at all.

As life grows hectic, it's difficult to maintain enthusiasm. Sounds weird, huh? We get in ruts, habits, slumps, and routines that it's so easy to lose passion for things that become so mundane. Let me explain myself.

I recently read a quote by the author Roald Dahl.

"I began to realize how important it was to be an enthusiast in life. If you are interested in something, no matter what it is, go at it full speed ahead. Embrace it with both arms, hug it, love it and above all become passionate about it. Lukewarm is no good. Hot is no good, either. White hot and passionate is the only thing to be." - Roald Dahl

I began thinking about passion and what it means, what it looks like. I love passionate people. I, like most people, unknowingly gravitate towards people who are passionate about what they believe in, what they do, or how they live their lives. But I wonder what characterizes a passionate person other than just "having a passion for..." or "being passionate?" And why do we gravitate towards them? Is it their confidence? Our curiosity? Maybe even some kind of jealousy?

The definition of passionate means, "having, showing, or expressing strong emotions or beliefs" and synonyms for 'passionate' include: intense, impassioned, ardent, fervent, vehement, heated, emotional, heartfelt, eager, excited, animated, adrenalized, spirited, energetic, fervid, frenzied, fiery, wild, consuming, even violent.

The same goes for our faith. Francis Chan has an awesome sermon titled, "Lukewarm and Loving It." A difficult one to listen to, but convicting, no less.

I guess I'll spew the famous, life is too short to be less than enthusiastic about the life that you're living. Or maybe, a lack of passion is fatal. But are we so tired and busy and occupied that we become lukewarm about the fabulous lives we live? Do we not have time or energy for passion?  Are we really "Lukewarm and Loving" life, our faith, our daily and mundane blessings that are just that; blessings? Are we unamused, unimpressed and uninspired by this amazing life we live and the awesome God that provides for us?

Maybe that's my "new year's resolution," though I don't like to dub them that. Maybe I want to be more passionate.

I want to be an enthusiast in life. 

Because anything else would just be boring. 

Offical Goodbye to 2013.

I figured I would throw together monthly memorable happenings from 2013;

January:

I started getting serious about working out and improving my body and my health. It was a good decision and an awesome habit to start. 

I started planning that wedding of mine. Big things. 

February:

I fell down the stairs, ended up with a brutally sprained ankle and my wonderful roommates/friends took care of my for a few weeks while I hobbled my way around campus on crutches. 

Three years with that boy happened, and being engaged sent me into a whirlwind of emotions as I dealt with the fact that I would be getting married and moving far far away at the same time, (lots of laughing one minute and crying the next). 

March: 

I flew down South and realized that that place would be my home. And that home had a new definition I was (and am still) wrapping my head and my heart around. 

I dove into my second semester of junior year and my final semester of pre-student teaching before my senior year of full-time student teaching. 

Still learning a ton in life. The usual. 

April: 

Monster. Mama. Mountain pies. Friends. 

Pennsylvania bonfires and the emergence of Spring. 

Spring on campus. Working hard doing graduate work during undergraduate classes (naturally, right?) Spending more time with friends and counting down the days to a seemingly unattainable finish line. 

May: 

Listening to my Creator in working through insecurities and imperfections; both physical and emotional. Came home after an exhausting end of the most-difficult year and semester. Struggled to find a job and somehow manage emotions of my last summer home. 

Left for three weeks to Northern Ireland, a trip I hesitated going on. 

June: 

Spent three weeks among the green grass of Northern Ireland/Dublin for an educational trip with my school. Struggled a whole lot the entire time with patience, insecurity, trust and whatever God was teaching me. Saw some of the most beautiful landscape and learned a whole lot about a country I'd never knew much about before. I wouldn't say I regret the trip, but I would like a re-do under different circumstances. 

Started this blog. 

July: 

Still jobless. Increasingly restless. 

Full wedding planning mode. And practicing-how-to-be -a-wife-mode activated. 

August: 

Spent time with my love, soaking in the final rays of summer before going back to school.

Nick Benson Photography

Accomplished a ton of wedding things and took our engagement pictures!

Nick Benson Photography

Said goodbye again. 

September: 

Fully embraced my last Northern Fall. 

Started student teaching with the best class of third graders. 

October: 

Student teaching got increasingly more difficult emotionally. 

Still learning...

November: 

Somehow made it to Thanksgiving Break.

And into the hundreds!!!

December: 

Realized that this was happening. Whoa.. 

Said a tearful goodbye to "my" class. 

Then had a wonderful Christmas with family and my love!

Hello 2014!