As of Lately // May Chaos Life Update.

Things have been insane these past few weeks! Since my last update I have: 

1. Attended my college's Education Commissioning Service, and I was ceremoniously commissioned or "pinned" as a teacher. 

I couldn't have done it without these two pillars of support. 

You know, it's strange to work for something for four whole terribly difficult years (academically) and then not instantly be given it. It's like I feel like I'm supposed to now have this ideal job or classroom or position and just...that's not where my life is right now. It's a weird form of disequilibrium between having worked so hard these past four years, seeing that that's what others around me are doing, while at the same time not really being in that stage right now. I know my time will come. I know that teaching and working with kids is what I'm passionate about and worked so hard for. But I have so many other exciting things on my plate, that's going to have to go in a different order. And I can't feel guilty about that. I shouldn't. I won't.

 2. I soaked in all the last "college experiences."

So many people came at me with all the cliche advice within the last few weeks. "Don't forget this." "You're going to wish this didn't go by do fast, you weren't so impatient, you appreciated things more." And while that's all well and good and I'm sure some or most of it is true...this is where I'm at. This is what I'm experiencing. And while I know I have to be conscious about my experiences (daily, not just at the end of college). I am trying to enjoy it all the best I can with the amount of emotions I can use to process it all happening practically at one time. I promise. I know there is so much to enjoy!

My roommates and I spent our last full free day in Baltimore Inner Harbor last week. We walked around, had lunch, took in the sights that most of us hadn't seen before. It's funny that we've gone to school so close to there for four years and hadn't ever seen that pretty place! 

3. I was finally faced with that goodbye. 

The first goodbye of many, but by far one of the most emotional and trying. Over the past months, things have been rough with finding a home for this guy and I was really started to feel defeated thinking that I would fail as a Mama and not come through with a loving home for him. When I knew I couldn't keep him any longer with graduation, getting married and moving across the country, it took a while to face the facts that I had to find someone else to love on him. I ignored this fact for a while and was faced as the time ticked on with the fact that I could really no longer ignore it. Leading up to last week, we had a few options for him but all of them seemed to fall through over and over again. I would be a mess all over again after each time we found it not to work out for some reason or another. Eventually, we (thought) we found a permanent home for him. But because of circumstance, hesitation and true God-timing, that fell through too. 

I was a total mess.  

Then, as He always does, God showed up.  

A family came through from a friend of a friend of a friend situation. Within twelve hours it was decided and his goodbye date was set up. I am so happy with how things have worked out, the iea of a relationship with these people, their love already showing towards Cide, and the way only God can bring peace to such a terribly sad situation.  

4. I did that graduating college thing. 

I'm not 100% sure that if you asked me freshman year, four years ago, if I could or would actually make it to this moment. I don't know that I would confidently say yes. I don't know if I could tell you about the time that I completed my degree with any sort of honors, walked across that stage, received Dean's List Honors for the last two years. I don't know that I could tell you about my confidence, my academic achievement or knowing my own strength on the darkest of nights. 

I can, however, confidently say now that the amount that I was stretched, torn, and grown throughout these four years, I should be proud of myself. I am.

My greatest enemy has always been myself; my ability to shut myself out, tear myself down, and feel so incredibly defeated by my own thoughts and feelings.

And knowing that I completed this, these four years, with excellence and growth and courage and confidence? Whoa. I hope I can give myself enough time and emotion to soak that in. 

Because I did it. 

I did this.

5. I have and am currently packing up pretty much my life. 

This emotional processing has finally taken form in the physical embodiedment of sorting and placing into piles and boxes; 

what to keep, 

what to throw away, 

what I don't need or use anymore, 

things I want to take with me into my new life and home.

It's a strange feeling, knowing how much I'll be leaving behind. Physically and emotionally. But equally, knowing how much I will take with me from here, the people in my past into my future. Pieces of that are threaded into me, the person I am now and the new person coming into this new life. 

Cheers to the next and new chapter of living!

A season filled with lasts.

In December while Kevin was in town, we heard a sermon about the quintessential "For Everything There is a Season" message, but with a different twist. Afterwards, we were talking about what season we were in and I distinctly remember his response, "I'm in a season of wait." With us each in different seasons of life and eventually being joined together in a whole new season, I've realized that mine has recently come exactly how I thought it would;

a "time to plant and a time to uproot," 

a "time to weep and a time to laugh."

Looking back now, it's so crazy to see how I was so unaware of all the loaded emotions in December that this season of life would carry with it, yet somehow I pinpointed it exactly.

I feel so incredibly 'uprooted.'
And oh my lanta, I have never 'weeped' so much.

With these realizations I've come to acknowledge that this season is filled with lasts. Last memories, last times, last moments. I'm starting to find myself thinking, "well this will be that last time we..." or "that will be the last time I..."

I don't really know how to feel about that.

last spring on this beautiful campus

last drives through the little center of town to the barn

Farms & Fires.

               

Today I sat outside his field towing his lead and relishing in the now.
I memorized every mark, I took pictures in my head and my heart of that big ‘ole scar on his right hindquarters.
I memorized all those dapple markings on his legs, his “grease marks” on the inside of his belly.

I took deep breaths while he pulled away farther from me stretching to reach the greener grass. I called him over and held his head against my forehead and could no longer hold back the tears. 

I let them come. 

Hesitantly at first. 

Then with ease.

                                              

I closed my eyes memorizing his smell. I kissed his forehead. I played back ten years worth of memories. 

The lessons. 

The words. 

The hours of training and frustrations. 

I remembered all the times his stall was my safe place and grooming him in the aisle of the barn was my escape, my sanctuary away from the dark world of others, even of myself. 

I recalled all the times I laughed and cried and yelled in his presence. Sometimes ashamedly at him. Others because of her disease, their terrible words, his constant leaving.

               

In the same day I sang songs from the radio at the top of my lungs, soaring down the highway with three women I’ve grown so close to accompanying me; the epitome of the college cliche. We exited the highway and veered onto the back road of a little farm town and turned sharply into the gravel driveway. 

               

Rural Pennsylvania Friday night meant the bonfire had already started, but we hadn’t missed much. Three hours later and the worship rolled on. The guitar strummed in the background and the blur of sparks and conversation became a faint hush to my ears. The fire popped and whistled. People I had known for four years and a few I had just met laughed, shared testimonies, stories and joked.

It’s a strange thing, 

this closure phase.