Transitioning || Continued.

I have cried my way through much of the bumps in this transition. When we thought we would be relocated two months before the wedding to a different state, when we thought moving wouldn’t work out, when we thought Kevin’s job would change drastically and would maybe impact our plans to move, throughout all the times dealing with this guy and what to do, every stupid and insignificant wedding detail that fell apart or feels like everything is going to fall apart that day, processing the new physical distance between family and friends, questioning my future career choice and certification details, whether I would ever become certified as a teacher and my overwhelming defeatist attitude, financial troubles and stress, where to live, every emotional letting-go of my college years and leaving this chapter, saying goodbye to friends and roommates who’ve seen me at my best and worst, when I realized things were at a standstill with this guy I’ve been a mama to for ten years now, when it hurt the worst that night in my car and sobbing turned into one of those episodes I haven’t felt in so, so long.

Every single moment, God has shown up.

Maybe when I haven’t expected Him to, maybe after I’ve expected Him to. Every single tearfest, He’s quietly and patiently guided and guarded my heart to knowing that He’s in control when I feel completely and utterly powerless, exhausted and weak. When I am beaten down over stupid or heavy world problems, I know that He is patient, and oh man, does He provide.

So it is with that thinking and mentality that I cling to the same phrases, knowing that they are true, knowing His never ending promises and history. I cling to that in hopes to believe it again in the midst of things crashing down, yet again. In the middle of fears and doubts, in the middle of losing control and running out of time. In the middle of letting go and trusting. In the midst of unknown futures. I am scared. And that’s okay. Scared that the day will come and I’ll have to say goodbye. Scared of who and if someone will finally take this lug. Scared that time will in fact run out and I’ll feel like an irresponsible failure. 

"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.” Psalm 33:4-5