Do I look like a wife?

When The Fiancé and I first got engaged, even before that actually, we agreed on a long engagement. Because of our long distance circumstances; my finishing school, planning a wedding in a different state, the military, being separated so often, we wanted so badly to plan things wisely but also we wanted to use our time wisely. We knew that a long engagement would go by quickly (it has, even if it seems like it's dragging!). We wanted to truly enjoy being engaged and this stage of our relationship and continue to grow separately and independently, as well grow stronger together. We wanted to not spend our entire time we did get the chance to talk planning a wedding and we wanted to leave room for the dreamy part of this stage, while at the same time enjoying each other and planning things as practically as we could. Or as much as we could do with both the distance and the uncertainty of this military life that I am still after-four-years grasping understanding of.

All that to say, and I know we don't need to justify our choices to anyone, 

but I wanted to give you some background, 

because as much as we may complain about it, 

we truly have been given the gift of time. 

To grow and think and imagine and dream.
To plan and prepare and steady ourselves before the whirlwind and second whirlwind and after-shocks...
I've been given time to finish this chapter of college and dwell in it's presence, while simultaneously clinging to the transitional period, awkwardly and as graceful as I can.
But I've also been handed time to develops this little identity crisis.

Sometimes, unfortunately, to overthink it. 

As silly as it sounds, I'm constantly finding myself thinking "would a wife wear/say/do this?" in preparation for my new shoes, my new up-and-coming role I am about to put on.

There's a term in Social Psychology called, "The Spotlight Effect." And I cannot help but to think that I have unfortunately fall victim to its ways. With every new piece of clothing I wear I think, "Does this make me look like a wife? Would a wife wear this?" Which in a sense is okay. I know things will change when I am a Mrs. I know there will be certain society things, certain expectations, certain areas of growth I will gain and learning to be done. I know these things. I recognize and am as ready as I can be for them. But that's not the kind of role I'm talking about. I mean a little bit towards to the side of the "superficial view" unfortunately.

While the Spotlight Effect more or less states, "hey you're acting kind of egocentric," I can't help but think I'm not to the only one to experience this in the Engagement Chapter. Or maybe I've just had that too much time to think thing happening.

Regardless, I am still grasping hold on this role of a "wife" before I become one. I am still trying to juggle what this will be like, how I can improve myself for my husband, for myself and for our relationship in perspective of God's Words and wisdom. I am working on creating my identify as a wife and soon-to-be newlywed. I am still learning how to handle this 'military wife life,' moving across the country, adopting a new sub culture of the US, and how to manage the impressions I'll have in front of all the new people I'll soon meet and become a part of. I am growing as an individual but also and already (hopefully) in my upcoming role as a  w i f e. 

And most importantly, I am recognizing that I have the room to grow. That I will continue to grow and despite whether I think people's eyes are all on me, or just mine are, or just my husbands;

I want my growing to be beneficial. I want my growing to be done in grace and acceptance; from myself and towards my new skin and identify. I want my growth to be in the direction of becoming a Godly and supportive wife, a loving and compassionate new friend and a strong and confident individual.

But most importantly with these new roles, 

"I will hold myself to a standard of grace."

I will recognize and know that I am working to improve myself ultimately for God, for my husband, and for myself. That I am a work in progress. I am not done yet. I will shatter the "Spotlight Effect," knowing it is a figment of my skewed lense of imperfect-human reality and those who view me 

(or let's be serious, don't even care to 'view' me). 

I will recognize that this transition will inevitably be met with lessons, trials and errors, tears one minute and laughter the next, new roles, habits, and routines to learn and that most likely some cuts and scrapes and bruises will occur. I will choose to learn instead of become frustrated by lessons, and strive to be patient in the work God is continuing to do within me. 

Click through link credit: Emily Ley