Permanent lessons.

I have a tattoo.

I got it my freshman year of college.
I don't regret it, but sometimes it does makes me a little sad.

"Without love, I am nothing"

Let me explain. 

I love my tattoo. It is very very meaningful to me. That's the important part, to me. I got my tattoo after sitting with the idea for nearly three years. In fact, my parents didn't put up a fight about me getting it because they didn't think my wimpy self would actually go through with the pain. (And let me tell you, so much pain). Not only is it a bible verse close to my heart (1 Corinthians 13:2) but it is also in Thai, a country also close to my heart.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

When I was in high school I went for a month-long missions trip in 2009 with a student team from all over the country with a Texas based christian org called Global Expeditions. We had country contacts there and did work for them in orphanages and villages, manual labor, prayer walking, and teaching English in universities and “home-groups.” We were there for about three weeks and to this day, I still recall that those were the most life-changing three weeks of all my near-21 years of living. I got to experience so many things culturally that going out of the country does to you. I would so so so strongly recommend anyone of any age to do before they die. Go someone in a completely different culture. Be totally and rawly out of your comfort zone, your language, your element. I don’t care what you do there but see different things, experience different traditions and people. Some of the people we met there were the nicest, most welcoming and friendly people I have ever known, though we could hardly communicate with them (we learned a tiny bit of thai but not much!) I learnt so much from every experience I had there, about life and other people. The city life is busy and full of people everywhere, but the villages are beautiful in their own way. These people live on hardly anything. The orphanages we got to help in taught me things I could never convey to anyone else.

The country in and of itself is absolutely breathtaking. The landscape, rice fields, mountains and climate is beautiful. It poured and poured everyday *we were there in July-Aug which is the rainy season.* Everyday around early afternoon it would pour and pour buckets of rain, then in a half hour the sun would come out just before it set. temples and their religion and history are fascinatingly unique and beautiful. We were mostly the city of Chiang Mai but then went up (8 hr truck ride…up a mountain) to the village of Mae Hong Son for two weeks.

So about reason for this ink permanently on my foot...

That would be because of this little guy. 

Ty.

One morning on the trip during our private morning devos we were heavily encouraged to go off and do, stuck right around the "love chapter" everyone knows so well, I found the phrase, "But have not love, I am nothing." Right in His perfect timing of falling apart in exasperation and begging to see what He was showing me through the trip, why I was even there. I was defeated and confused. Right in the last few days, the morning before we went to that orphanage, before I got to hang out with that little guy. From then on I sat with this verse God showed to me during the trip during my devotionals. 

After I got the tattoo, I wrote this letter to Ty. No, he will never read it. But I have it for me. For the reason behind this ink. 

I know. 

Dear Ty,
I’ve been thinking about you a lot the past few days. I think of that day and I can play back every moment in my head, but at the same time it’s a giant blur. The teachings, the laughing, the holding and hugging.
I have never felt greater love for a stranger, the love of God’s child. Your little hands held onto me and when I reached out my arms I felt something I will never be able to convey to another human being, I just can’t explain it. For that day, we loved you, I loved you. You taught me how to love again. You taught me that everything in the world didn’t always have to be bitter. You brought me out of a place.
You inspired me to love, to love life and myself and my God. You taught me that without love, I’m nothing. You taught me that I can be in a place the past. And that none of that mattered in that one day. You taught me that hugging and holding sometimes is the simplest and greatest solution to anything and that a child’s laughter, your laughter, is a memory that I want to take hold of and repeat over and over again everyday for the rest of my life.
I think of you everyday. I look down at my foot, at a language I can’t understand and I think of you, of what you taught me. I look at something forever with me, forever inked into my body and I think of you. Of the greatest lesson that you taught me.
Love.
“But have not love, I am nothing.”
I don’t know where you are right now Ty, I don’t know if you’re safe or warm or being held. I don’t know if you’re laughing or crying. I don’t know if you’re bleeding or if you are nestled safe under a roof. I don’t know if you’re running or sick or in the company of people who love you. I don’t even know if you’re still alive, years later.
But know this, I loved you. I love you.
For that day and for the rest of my life.
I cannot wait to see you in eternity, sweet boy. 

You see, similar to a lot of 16+ year olds, I was a little...sour in my love. Towards myself and the confidence, towards God and all that I'd been taught and seen, known and shown, and maybe not seen and not shown. And towards people who hurt me. People I loved. People I trusted and relied upon but had shown me something other than trust and love. 

"Without love, I am nothing." 

What a simple, but extremely powerful lesson. Unfortunately one that we all know quite well, but sometimes need to be reminded of. I like that I have this lesson and memory with me forever.