Enjoy it, because it's happening.

I recently came across this phrase and I could not think of a more obvious, simple and straight-forward phrase to define this current season of my life. It's funny, no matter how many breakdowns I have, no matter how much I scream or cry or put off doing things that hurt, worry about the inevitable goodbyes and all the negative, terrifying or sad parts that come with this, I am continuously overwhelmed with all the things to enjoy. And like the seasons change, life is made new and the trees bloom, it's happening. Like a freight train or a steady rhythm, I cannot stop or control it. 

As hard as it is, I am grasping at strands to try to enjoy this phase, to immerse myself in the scary uncertainty and enjoy the process; the processing. While it's a little overwhelming to try to savor it all at once, I close my eyes to take it in, to remember it, to lock it away for another faraway time when I know I'll miss it; this, those, them. 

I went home for the long Easter weekend. That was difficult. I started packing and sorting and placing into piles and getting rid of. That was even more difficult. There is something so emotionally unsettling about seeing your material possessions so scattered around. An accurate representation of the chaos; emotional, mental. Everything else. Such is this phase of my life and such is an accurate representation of my processing; categorizing, giving away, choosing what to save, what to let go of. 

Very strange, indeed.

The thought of having to say goodbye to this, my thirteenth birthday present makes my heart break a little bit. My animals are so important to me, and as odd as it sounds, my emotional stability that I know saying goodbye to them will be just as bad as saying goodbye to the people. Not to say that I will never see either again, but it's of course, just not the same. 

On another note, this guy, and a friend and I were at one of our favorite local coffee shops while I was home. We were sitting outside enjoying the nice weather and the Saturday afternoon when a lady and her son (about seven or eight) approached us. The three of us, being very approachable with a fur-thing, I quickly learnt. She didn't directly approach us at first and was having a harmless spat with her son, openly criticizing her son for this and that. She mentioned "all the money she spends on him" and how he "sucks all the energy out of her" point blank and immediately I bristled at her tone towards him. It wasn't mean, but criticizing and harsh. A tone that as a teacher, I hate hearing parents use directly in front of their children. 

She proceeded to approach us and ask questions about Austin, while her son shoved his face in my dog's face. Again, (and although my dog would never bite and is incredibly friendly) something I cannot stand watching parents allow. She struck up a more-than-polite-stranger talk conversation and quickly noticed the ring on my left hand as I was sitting holding my coffee. She had ventured into "I've been married twice" and "be careful when you have kids someday, you never know what you're going to get,"...way too personal territory and I sat wishing she would just leave already. Her attitude was boisterous and abrupt and amidst the conversation demanded, "how old are you?" I responded that I was twenty-two and I noticed her face twitch. She trudged on with;

"Well, what do you think marriage is?"  

And I quickly recognized where the conversation was going. 

I've heard it before, being engaged for nearly a year and a half now. People, mostly strangers are often surprised at my choices and that I'm "so young." (She was surprised that we've maintained a nearly four and a half year long distance relationship though). So point to me, I quess? Her question came out of nowhere and I was completely taken aback. I must have stared at her, shocked, for about thirty seconds wishing I could crawl under a rock or that she would just go away while she chided, 

"Come on, I want to hear your answer." 

I told her I thought marriage was 'unpredictable.' 

She must have deemed by answer acceptable because she nodded and affirmed it with a, "yes, it's that." 

Her and her son eventually (and thankfully) left, but not before I was able to slip in, (after regaining my composure), 

"We're excited to see where God and life takes us. 

We know it's not going to be perfect." 

Quote from Stephen Chbosky, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" - (Image source unknown)

Enjoy this season. Whichever one you're in. 

Because it is happening. You are living in it.  

Consistently inconsistent.

The only part of this transitioning period is that it is terribly "consistently inconsistent." I guess what I mean is that, I never realized I could feel this many mixed emotions within seconds of each other. At one point I want to dance around I am so excited for my new life to start, and at the other I am nearly a puddle over how chaotic and terrifying and uncertain it all is.

These days I am clinging with all my might to God's provision and hope. I know that at the end of all of this will be an amazing new beginning. I know that as hard as every single goodbye will be and as difficult as letting go will feel and as much as leaving behind things and people, even animals, I will get to experience new things and new people and new situations. Not to replace the old, but to give a fresh start in a new place. I am excited for that.

From Where I Stand: anxious, overstressed, overtired, but hopeful

“For my God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. He is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Psalm 62:5-8

"Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow his wind, His trials, oxygen for joy’s fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love an whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy’s flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can be empty. I can empty because counting His grace has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust." - Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts.

There is nothing else I can do but know and trust that God will provide in His timing, in His gentle love, amidst these crazy circumstances…I cannot control this phase of my life. As much as I desperately want to, try to, beg to, wish to; I can't. I have to and am forced to do just the opposite. I have to let go. I have to trust. I have to not wish my own way upon circumstances that I don't know about, how they'll end up, what will happen. And I have to be okay with that. I have to let my soul rest in the unknown, in trusting Him.

Even when eating raw cookie dough and having mini breakdowns in the kitchen 

of my apartment late at night, in the darkness feels like a way more tangible option.

Jehovah-jireh, God our Provider.

Transitioning || Continued.

I have cried my way through much of the bumps in this transition. When we thought we would be relocated two months before the wedding to a different state, when we thought moving wouldn’t work out, when we thought Kevin’s job would change drastically and would maybe impact our plans to move, throughout all the times dealing with this guy and what to do, every stupid and insignificant wedding detail that fell apart or feels like everything is going to fall apart that day, processing the new physical distance between family and friends, questioning my future career choice and certification details, whether I would ever become certified as a teacher and my overwhelming defeatist attitude, financial troubles and stress, where to live, every emotional letting-go of my college years and leaving this chapter, saying goodbye to friends and roommates who’ve seen me at my best and worst, when I realized things were at a standstill with this guy I’ve been a mama to for ten years now, when it hurt the worst that night in my car and sobbing turned into one of those episodes I haven’t felt in so, so long.

Every single moment, God has shown up.

Maybe when I haven’t expected Him to, maybe after I’ve expected Him to. Every single tearfest, He’s quietly and patiently guided and guarded my heart to knowing that He’s in control when I feel completely and utterly powerless, exhausted and weak. When I am beaten down over stupid or heavy world problems, I know that He is patient, and oh man, does He provide.

So it is with that thinking and mentality that I cling to the same phrases, knowing that they are true, knowing His never ending promises and history. I cling to that in hopes to believe it again in the midst of things crashing down, yet again. In the middle of fears and doubts, in the middle of losing control and running out of time. In the middle of letting go and trusting. In the midst of unknown futures. I am scared. And that’s okay. Scared that the day will come and I’ll have to say goodbye. Scared of who and if someone will finally take this lug. Scared that time will in fact run out and I’ll feel like an irresponsible failure. 

"For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.” Psalm 33:4-5

Do I look like a wife?

When The Fiancé and I first got engaged, even before that actually, we agreed on a long engagement. Because of our long distance circumstances; my finishing school, planning a wedding in a different state, the military, being separated so often, we wanted so badly to plan things wisely but also we wanted to use our time wisely. We knew that a long engagement would go by quickly (it has, even if it seems like it's dragging!). We wanted to truly enjoy being engaged and this stage of our relationship and continue to grow separately and independently, as well grow stronger together. We wanted to not spend our entire time we did get the chance to talk planning a wedding and we wanted to leave room for the dreamy part of this stage, while at the same time enjoying each other and planning things as practically as we could. Or as much as we could do with both the distance and the uncertainty of this military life that I am still after-four-years grasping understanding of.

All that to say, and I know we don't need to justify our choices to anyone, 

but I wanted to give you some background, 

because as much as we may complain about it, 

we truly have been given the gift of time. 

To grow and think and imagine and dream.
To plan and prepare and steady ourselves before the whirlwind and second whirlwind and after-shocks...
I've been given time to finish this chapter of college and dwell in it's presence, while simultaneously clinging to the transitional period, awkwardly and as graceful as I can.
But I've also been handed time to develops this little identity crisis.

Sometimes, unfortunately, to overthink it. 

As silly as it sounds, I'm constantly finding myself thinking "would a wife wear/say/do this?" in preparation for my new shoes, my new up-and-coming role I am about to put on.

There's a term in Social Psychology called, "The Spotlight Effect." And I cannot help but to think that I have unfortunately fall victim to its ways. With every new piece of clothing I wear I think, "Does this make me look like a wife? Would a wife wear this?" Which in a sense is okay. I know things will change when I am a Mrs. I know there will be certain society things, certain expectations, certain areas of growth I will gain and learning to be done. I know these things. I recognize and am as ready as I can be for them. But that's not the kind of role I'm talking about. I mean a little bit towards to the side of the "superficial view" unfortunately.

While the Spotlight Effect more or less states, "hey you're acting kind of egocentric," I can't help but think I'm not to the only one to experience this in the Engagement Chapter. Or maybe I've just had that too much time to think thing happening.

Regardless, I am still grasping hold on this role of a "wife" before I become one. I am still trying to juggle what this will be like, how I can improve myself for my husband, for myself and for our relationship in perspective of God's Words and wisdom. I am working on creating my identify as a wife and soon-to-be newlywed. I am still learning how to handle this 'military wife life,' moving across the country, adopting a new sub culture of the US, and how to manage the impressions I'll have in front of all the new people I'll soon meet and become a part of. I am growing as an individual but also and already (hopefully) in my upcoming role as a  w i f e. 

And most importantly, I am recognizing that I have the room to grow. That I will continue to grow and despite whether I think people's eyes are all on me, or just mine are, or just my husbands;

I want my growing to be beneficial. I want my growing to be done in grace and acceptance; from myself and towards my new skin and identify. I want my growth to be in the direction of becoming a Godly and supportive wife, a loving and compassionate new friend and a strong and confident individual.

But most importantly with these new roles, 

"I will hold myself to a standard of grace."

I will recognize and know that I am working to improve myself ultimately for God, for my husband, and for myself. That I am a work in progress. I am not done yet. I will shatter the "Spotlight Effect," knowing it is a figment of my skewed lense of imperfect-human reality and those who view me 

(or let's be serious, don't even care to 'view' me). 

I will recognize that this transition will inevitably be met with lessons, trials and errors, tears one minute and laughter the next, new roles, habits, and routines to learn and that most likely some cuts and scrapes and bruises will occur. I will choose to learn instead of become frustrated by lessons, and strive to be patient in the work God is continuing to do within me. 

Click through link credit: Emily Ley

March Madness: Update Edition.

My my, March is happening quickly. Which, I feel I say every month. "Oh wow, __________ just got away from us, didn't it?" Or "Oh my goodness, where did ________ go?" I think it's a bad habit. Instead of realizing at the end of the month that it "got away from me," I'm going to be more intentional about time. A never-ending quest, I guess.

Anyway, here's some things that happened in March;

1. Bridal shower #1.

Which you already heard about. On two separate occasions, actually.

I truly have the world's greatest friends.


2. I almost burned down my apartment building.

I'm just kidding. 

Sort of. 

You see, I was getting ready for class and the only one in the apartment and I threw some breakfast muffins in the microwave to defrost that I had made a few months ago (a couple dozen of and I had done this before). They were actually my last two of the batch. Way to go out with a bang...or a siren? So the microwave started smoking and I realized they probably went on the "meat defrost" setting for a few minutes rather than...um...shorter. And well, the rest is history. I think our apartment still smells like smoke. Campus safety humiliated me by calling the "resident of apartment #___" up to the front stairs. While everyone was waiting in the parking lot outside that morning. Oh that was not a good day. So much smoke. 

3. I attempted to gain back my "kitchen credentials" from said burning incident with some wonderful cooking.

Brown rice, chicken broth potatoes, brown sugar carrots and olive oil brussels. 

Don't mind if I do. I can be a domestic goddess, I swear.

4. The weather started to decide maybe it won't be winter anymore. 

Even though no matter how hard I will the snow away, it lasted long. Just dragging myself to the barn lately has been difficult for many reasons. The obvious weather and freezing temperatures and ice make circles in the indoor miserable. That's when five other people aren't already riding in there. This guy loves to be outside and especially outside out of the ring, so that day we took a nice long walk around the property. He was so happy. The other reason being it's very emotional for me lately. With things being so up in the air, as pathetic as it sounds, it's almost easier just to avoid it altogether. To avoid facing it, to avoid facing him. I still feel like I failed him for some reason. But then I feel guilty and those emotions take over. And sad. And I don't know what to feel. It's all so conflicting. I guess that would be the right word. I know that I have him for the next couple of months. That he'll always be mine and my first guy and everything. I just don't know what else to do with that. Because of how much he physically cannot be mine now. 

5. I flew to see my favorite, redheaded human and soon-to-be husband. 

It was so nice to be with him again, of course. But it was even better to be able to picture the physical places our life will soon be; we drove around for hours looking for potential schools for me and churches for us. We drove around to get acquainted and so that I could see new places I haven't before. We saw our future apartment (even though I've seen it on video, so not the same). We even daydreamed about future kittens and house decorating. It was too short, as usual. But it was our last goodbye of our dating relationship. Our last airport sad dropoff. And realizing that, experiencing that, and knowing that the next time I see him it will be just days before our wedding? 

Absolute amazing insanity. 

It’s crazy to think that the next time I’m back there, I’ll be home. I’ll be his Mrs. We will be done with our dating distance indefinitely. We will have won. I have no doubts that he’s my best friend, as much as I hate that cliche term and only now understand why it's used. That I have the most fun and feel the most comfortable with him. I am so in love with him and so incredibly excited to marry him. I miss him a ton already, but I know that these next almost two months are going to go crazy fast and I will have so much to keep me busy. While that doesn’t make me miss him any less, it definitely helps speed things up a little bit.  It's nice to feel so comfortable and at ease. 

And it's really nice to feel taken care of. 

6. Home, transitioning and an overflowing sea of wedding planning. 

My mom said she went into my room and these were there.
My dad must have snuck them in early in the morning before work.
They're gorgeous and definitely fit my 'wildflower' flower-taste.

I am home this weekend and have been nonstop since I arrived late Wednesday evening. 

Home: It is so nice to be home and to savor it so much more than I used to. I value things I never thought I would and the time spent with family doing anything or nothing. I know that my time doing these anythings and nothings is going to be slim in the near future and with the craziness of the wedding approaching, I want to make sure I make every second count. 

Transitioning: It’s a strange thing, this transition stage. Like numb and senseless but also at the same time it feels like all my emotions are intensified twelve thousand notches and I want to cry and scream and be happy and sad all at the same time. I feel like that’s the only way to describe it. Some days the tears come strongly, somewhat of a mourning-the-past type stuff. Mostly late at night or when something sentimental triggers them. How I’ve grown and changed in this place. All the lasts. But other days I wait for them and they don’t appear. Should I feel guilty for not being sad all of the time? Should I feel guilty that I’m not doing cartwheels every day?And I know you’re tired of hearing about it, but whatever. I wish there was some eloquent way to spill it all out, but most often it just comes…well, spilling out. It’s hard to put into words this all, the intense feelings of being both incredibly sad and sentimental, but totally ecstatic at the same time. 

Wedding planning on wedding planning: As much of a total stink-fest as planning so much of a wedding sans groom/1500 miles away is, so many wonderful people have stepped in to help. Family and friends are willing and able to do whatever. I am blessed to have so many creative and artistic people in my life too! Dress fittings, invites out, final doctors appointments (before the move), hair appointments, bridal shower #2, etc. I am starting to feel overwhelmed, but that was inevitable. 

Don't get me wrong, the party will certainly be fun. But I am so ready for the boring life after the party, living out the vows and the new adventures with my husband. 

"Praying God's Word for Your Husband" 

"One of the adversary’s most useful schemes is to keep Christians focusing in their problems rather that God’s provision" // John R Cionca.

And repeat.

God is so amazing with His provisions and peace among tons of uncertainty. Over and over again, my human skin is astounded by my lack of faith in turn being overflowed with His patience and greatness as He asks me and us again and again to keep trusting Him more. Also, knowing that there is no other person I’d rather be on this crazy adventure with than Kevin is incredible to me. Seriously, blessed beyond belief. Even if one minute from the next, things can and do turn a little bit sideways. 

H a p p y  S p r i n g !

More // Bridal Shower.

More bridal shower pictures because they make me happy. And because my mama is just such an excellent photographer.

Is being an adult getting excited over cutting boards? nailed it. 

The gangs all here.

Favorite; this just makes me so happy. 

89 days!

Showered in Happiness | Pre-Wedding Festivities.

As February bowed out as gracefully as it could, I welcomed March with celebration, wonderful and caring friends, blessings, excitement, lace, my mama, and cupcakes. February was short and sweet and to the point. While at the same time, seeming to speed through a very long twenty-eight days of winter chill. 

those people I live with daily

the wonderful mastermind

this girl drove all the way to see me!

My beautiful bridesmaid, Emily, threw me a bridal shower for my college friends who would otherwise be unable to make it to a bridal shower I might receive while I am home in a few weeks. I am so thankful for the friends I've made here at school. Quality over quantity. Always. I have been blessed this year to live in an apartment with such awesome ladies as well. The first few years of this college thing were a struggle, but it's so fulfilling seeing where I am now, the people I've chosen to surround myself with and the state of mind, body and soul I get to bring away from this chapter. I am swimming in blessings and thankfulness towards the people who have taken me in, seen me at my best and worst and chosen to treat me with love and patience regardless. I am constantly stunned and saddened that they have never met my fiance because of circumstances. But have accepted him nonetheless.  

Even though I have been fighting the "Pinterest wedding" theme tooth and nail, I am so very obsessed with Emily's Pinterest-esque decor. I guess I just don't want a "Pinterest wedding" because so many people have done it. I want my wedding to not just be unique, but be us. That's really important to me. I want our wedding to be personal. I don't want our guests to question even for a second who's wedding they are at. Which, in  sense, sounds silly. But hey, I'm the bride. (I always forget I can use that!!!) Not be Pinterest. Or the other hundred million girls who've gotten married in a barn with mason jars (no offense, I really love that rustic look and have incorporated some of it into our wedding). 

However...

I love that we can incorporate lace and maps and little personal details and likes of ours (or mine, not that my military man fiance is super into lace). This weekend has been an invitation for me to start making some headspace among the last-semester-of college-work to start thinking about May 31st again. And that makes me happy. 

I mean, 

only three more months? 

Holy moly!