Goodbyes and thank yous.

Credit to Nick Benson Photography 

"Tonight, alone in the dimly lit and dusty aisle-way, I cupped his big ‘ole nose in my hands and pressed my forehead against his and I cried. I cried for all I’m giving up. I cried for all I’m leaving behind. I cried for how it’s going to feel knowing someone that’s not me is going to love him. I cried for the way they’re not going to know his little quirks as well as do and for leaving behind his face and his smell and the way he responds to my voice after a whole nine years of being his mama. I mourned the metaphorical loss of my childhood and our early days together. I cried out of jealousy that someone who’s not me is going to love and care for him and that he will inevitably love them back, such as his puppy-dog personality goes. I cried for the years upon years of memories and our unmistakable bond. And for all my guilt. Of leaving him, of giving him up, giving him away, giving him to someone else to love on. Of feeling like I’ve failed him because I can’t take care of him anymore or that I won’t know when or if I’ll be able to see him again once he goes to live with someone else. I cried out of fear, of utter jealousy, sadness, of guilt and anger and helplessness. And that most of all, the inevitable is going to come. When I will have to say goodbye to this wonderful trusting gentle giant who has always listened and always loved. I’ll do my best to provide you with the choice you’re happiest. No matter what. Because of everything you’ve done for me, all those crippling days where I ended up on the floor of your stall or with my arms gripping your neck tight, my head buried in your fur or kissing your whiskers. I cannot even begin to describe how much I owe you."

Things have been increasingly difficult lately. Things in the form of growing up and giving up and goodbyes, and moving and growing. The realization of all I have to leave behind with this new life has been hitting hard; most recently the leaving behind of this monster-baby. I can't even begin to describe the impact that his presence and he has had on my life. Turning a blind eye to the fact that the day will come when I have to load him on a trailer and say goodbye and thank you for all he's done for me is easy, but not practical. Facing the truth is not something I want to do willingly. And something that hurts my heart an incredible amount.