An Anniversary of Sorts.

It's hard to believe that one month ago today, Kevin and I were flying to here, our new home;

away from our friends and family, from everyone who had celebrated just two weeks before at our wedding, our hometowns, and all things comfortable.

Since that June 9th, we have moved out of "just Kevin's" apartment and into our own home together. We've created together an entirely new home for ourselves as a brand new married couple, we adopted a teeny tiny six week old Leah (originally a Leo until the vet told us otherwise), and taken in a ten week old Lilly.

We've made friends and learned how to be together, and how to be together separately in a different way than we have been used to in the past. We've accomplished some sort of routine and schedule and already worked around the military's presence in our life. We've celebrated and cried (okay, that one's mostly me). We've learned so much about life and more about each other and of course a whole ton about marriage. We've been stretched and torn in different ways, learned new things about each other and inevitably welcomed in each other's quirkiest and worst habits.

All that to say, I've never felt more home. I will say it time and time again, though this transition has been difficult for me, I do believe the "idea" of the transition was more difficult previous to the actual time here so far.

Yes, being away from friends and family hurts a ton.
Yes, getting lost driving on roads that I don't know by heart is embarrassing and frustrating.
Yes, I'm battling with emotions of acceptance and satisfaction, of learning more about myself in a place that isn't so familiar to me.

I'm changing my identity, whether I am conscious it or not. I am learning my new roles as wife and caretaker of some adorable fur babies. I am learning a rhythm, one of my own heart and personality in these present circumstances. More and more, of course, I am discovering things about myself in this phase of life. My previous fears of anticipation are gone, and they are replaced with the here and now - my responses to feelings and day-to-day emotions. I have never felt more comfortable in a place that I actually so greatly anticipated being uncomfortable. I wish that I could piece together the words to explain how right this all feels. Though fresh-faced and bushy-tailed, admittedly "just a bright-eyed newlywed," I am determined to learn and grow where I have been planted. Despite expectations, stereotypes, self-sabotaging and past demons, I am positive that I can grow in this new place. I know that newness can bring growth and comfort, that uncertainty can breed easy habits and routine, and that fears and doubts can be replaced with contentment and sureness. I know that I have the most amazing human on my team, a husband who is there to encourage, listen to, support and love me. And I know that I have faith and hope in a Heavenly Father who provides the same, but different encouragement, support, and love.

And I know that I am here. 

That my circumstances and physical address are out of my control-freak-self's control. That I am here by God's grace, finally with my husband - to create a home and a life with him, despite circumstances beyond our control.

I am here to try and stretch, grow, love and live. Live with contentment in the best way I know how, live with satisfaction in a way I can work towards. I am here to be fully present, to enjoy this chapter, to soak in the peace of welcoming a husband home each night and stepping into the shoes of my new identity; 

tentatively, but open to grow and learn, 

always. 

Abode in progress // Home for sure.

For us,

the feeling of home had never been a place, it’d been just that; a feeling, a moment. It had been every time we were together and every second we finally got to get each other at the airport after months.

So it makes sense that each of us are still wrestling with the physical and concrete idea of home,

in all the best ways.

There’s so much I want to say to explain the way that I’m feeling and all the ways that I know he feels the exact same. But looking at each other after we hang up something permanent on the walls or buy some silly chair cushions and when we can’t stop saying,

“I love our home,” 

that’s how I know.

That’s how I know that we’re home, that the very permanent nails in the wall hanging our memories and possessions mean that this place is permanent, that it’s more than the weekends or summer leave we’re used to. That it’s ours for now, to make a life and a home and memories in.

And that is just so stinkin' meaningful to me

I don’t know how to put it into so many words.

My favorite part of marriage so far are all of the simplest, most normal moments. Certainly ones we’ve never had the blessing to experience before. Finishing dinner, then taking the puppy for a run. Coming back, cleaning up. Doing dishes. All the really really mundane boring stuff. Maybe I’m just speaking like a newlywed, or someone who’s just finished a four plus year relationship where seeing the other person with a wait anything less than two months time was something to shout about, it’s all just really normal now. We’re starting to get our rhythm. And I’ve never realized how much I am absolutely in love with these moments of normal, boring, mundane, comfortable things.

Lilly Girl.

Over this past weekend, we welcomed Lilly into our little family! 

Lilly is a 10 week old black lab from Texas. She is the sweetest, gentlest, most "chill" puppy I have ever seen. She loves sleeping the day away, she's getting used to her crate and she sleeps through the night with ease. 

We've always talked about having a "Lilly." Since dating, Kevin and I have been talking about "when we get married," the next breath was usually, "and get a dog." We've even already gotten chided about getting a kitten and then a puppy so quickly! 

(Within two weeks of being in the South, but what does it really matter!?)

Getting "used to" the car...I don't think it will take much practice!

We are growing to love our Lilly girl so much and cannot wait to introduce her to Leo (we're holding off for a little bit, each have vet visits lined up). It's so much fun to spend time with them and see their little personalities grow more. 

Leo is an absolute clown. He attacks and plays and hides and scoots just under your feet and into our closet the second the door is open in order to hide amongst the shoes, play with the laces and clothes. I think he is much more mischievous than Lilly will ever be. Although, together, who knows.

Lilly is quiet and gentle. She sleeps anywhere and everywhere and loves to play when she wants to play and looks at you like you're bothering her if she does not at the moment. We've taken to "keeping her" awake past 8pm at night in order to "make" her sleep through the night. So far, for the past three nights it's worked perfectly, but our hearts feel a little bit bad when we're pestering her with toys and playtime and all she wants to do is lay down and sleep at 9pm. 

It's kind of pathetically funny though. 

Getting used to her crate

We fell in love with her face online and absolutely had to have her!

I am so glad that I married an animal lover and am eternally grateful for his patience when it comes to adding fur babies to our little family, though he is as much to blame as I am! We're pretty excited to grow and adventure with these guys as it is.

But we promise, we're done for now!!!

Together at Last.

Whoa. 

Life has been insane the past three weeks!

First off, we got married! As lame as it sounds, it was "all I could hope for and more." The day seemed to speed by in a matter of minutes and I hardly remember a thing! (In the best way, I promise!) Luckly we have pictures and videos coming in any day now. I am getting very impatient to see those...

Shortly after, we took off for Newport, Rhode Island where we spent our honeymoon browsing shops downtown, going out to dinner and relaxing on the beach. It was perfect for us, perfectly 'us.' Lowkey, relaxing, and a vacation to just soak in each other's company and our new Mr and Mrs titles. Just what we needed indeed. 

After we returned from our honeymoon, we spent a long weekend home in Connecticut. We spent time with family and friends, packed up my entire wardrobe and the rest of my belongings, sent out my car to be shipped, then flew out together for the first time. 

Kevin and I have been here together for over a week now 

and we are quite enjoying making this place home. 

The South welcomed us late last Monday night with an incredibly terrifying lightning storm…while we were still in the plane landing. I was scared half to death and gripping Kevin’s hand like mad. The flight attendent announced that we might even have to land at a different airport because of where we were and where the storm was, and they circled for a half hour longer than the flight was actually supposed to be. It’s funny (now), but I will always remember that as being the moment we flew here for the first time together. Kind of starting this chapter with a giant bang. Iconic, I suppose. Somewhat symbolizing my emotions too and this final transitional stage (of right now at least and in this chapter of our lives and relationship). It was brillint and terrifying, amazing and powerful, and scary and beautiful; very metaphorical indeed.

Our first full day, we stopped by our favorite pet store that gets in rescues. We told ourselves we would just browse (classic animal-lover mistake) and fell in love with this cutie. As soon as he stared up at us from the glass with those big ole' eyes and fell asleep in Kevin's arms after he was handed to us to hold, we knew he was ours. We have names him Leo and he is an absolute terror, in the best way. He was six weeks when we got him and rescued from a car dealership where the workers there were going to throw him in a dumpster. That alone makes me livid because honestly how do you ignore that sweet face at all?


This past week has sped by and I already can’t believe we’ve been married over two weeks, that we’ve had our baby Leo for a week and a day, or that we are finally finally finally together. I am only just now beginning to stop thinking about when the next airport scene will have to come or when I’ll have to give him back.

It won’t, 
I don’t.

We’ve been getting cozy here, furnishing and decorating our abode (which I will post pictures of eventually when the cardboard boxes lessen, I promise). My parents came down with the rest of my things and they’ve been visiting and helping, which is yet another reason I’ve been so scarce. I have mixed feelings about this. While I crave some form of normalcy that I will unfortunately get when they left and Kevin goes back to work next week, it makes me sad. Letting go; again and more so. But it all has to happen. It’s all inevitable.

This chapter is dedicated to us together and starting our life.
Together.

Building our life here makes me feel something so unexplainable, something so utterly satisfying and complete. So much so that our years of distance already feel like a forgotten-dream (or nightmare?).

So far, I really love being married. Not just married, but married to this amazing, forgiving, compassionate, passionate, patient, man. (Who looks pretty good swiffering floors if I do say so myself).

Though it, our new routine, our habits and lifestyles are taking some adjusting (we don’t claim perfection), I am continuously thankful and blessed to be married to someone who is also my very best friend. Speaking of that guy, we got some EXCELLENT NEWS the other morning in the form of a phonecall we’ve been pretty much waiting for for about six months; Kevin got an awesome job opportunity (still military) that he will start in a few weeks. While I can’t go into too much details (mostly because we don’t know them) he has the opportunity to work in a new shop, more of a testing facility…more importantly one that DOESN’T DEPLOY. This makes my heart so incredibly happy because of the rough date we were given a few months ago of when he was supposed to deploy again. Let’s just say it was going to be soon. And let’s just say, I was not thrilled about being so alone in such a new place not knowing many people… Regardless, God is good and this is the answer to months of back and forth prayers, as well as an awesome opportunity for him career-wise to be where he will be.

I’m still learning this wife role. I’m really liking it already, but we are far from any kind of routine right now, which is difficult for me. We are finally settled and moved and I cannot wait to continue making this home feel like home.

Regardless of the building we reside in though, I have never felt more home.
Finally.

New and exciting things are happening around these parts though 

and we are so excited to see what God and life has planned for us!

As of Lately // May Chaos Life Update.

Things have been insane these past few weeks! Since my last update I have: 

1. Attended my college's Education Commissioning Service, and I was ceremoniously commissioned or "pinned" as a teacher. 

I couldn't have done it without these two pillars of support. 

You know, it's strange to work for something for four whole terribly difficult years (academically) and then not instantly be given it. It's like I feel like I'm supposed to now have this ideal job or classroom or position and just...that's not where my life is right now. It's a weird form of disequilibrium between having worked so hard these past four years, seeing that that's what others around me are doing, while at the same time not really being in that stage right now. I know my time will come. I know that teaching and working with kids is what I'm passionate about and worked so hard for. But I have so many other exciting things on my plate, that's going to have to go in a different order. And I can't feel guilty about that. I shouldn't. I won't.

 2. I soaked in all the last "college experiences."

So many people came at me with all the cliche advice within the last few weeks. "Don't forget this." "You're going to wish this didn't go by do fast, you weren't so impatient, you appreciated things more." And while that's all well and good and I'm sure some or most of it is true...this is where I'm at. This is what I'm experiencing. And while I know I have to be conscious about my experiences (daily, not just at the end of college). I am trying to enjoy it all the best I can with the amount of emotions I can use to process it all happening practically at one time. I promise. I know there is so much to enjoy!

My roommates and I spent our last full free day in Baltimore Inner Harbor last week. We walked around, had lunch, took in the sights that most of us hadn't seen before. It's funny that we've gone to school so close to there for four years and hadn't ever seen that pretty place! 

3. I was finally faced with that goodbye. 

The first goodbye of many, but by far one of the most emotional and trying. Over the past months, things have been rough with finding a home for this guy and I was really started to feel defeated thinking that I would fail as a Mama and not come through with a loving home for him. When I knew I couldn't keep him any longer with graduation, getting married and moving across the country, it took a while to face the facts that I had to find someone else to love on him. I ignored this fact for a while and was faced as the time ticked on with the fact that I could really no longer ignore it. Leading up to last week, we had a few options for him but all of them seemed to fall through over and over again. I would be a mess all over again after each time we found it not to work out for some reason or another. Eventually, we (thought) we found a permanent home for him. But because of circumstance, hesitation and true God-timing, that fell through too. 

I was a total mess.  

Then, as He always does, God showed up.  

A family came through from a friend of a friend of a friend situation. Within twelve hours it was decided and his goodbye date was set up. I am so happy with how things have worked out, the iea of a relationship with these people, their love already showing towards Cide, and the way only God can bring peace to such a terribly sad situation.  

4. I did that graduating college thing. 

I'm not 100% sure that if you asked me freshman year, four years ago, if I could or would actually make it to this moment. I don't know that I would confidently say yes. I don't know if I could tell you about the time that I completed my degree with any sort of honors, walked across that stage, received Dean's List Honors for the last two years. I don't know that I could tell you about my confidence, my academic achievement or knowing my own strength on the darkest of nights. 

I can, however, confidently say now that the amount that I was stretched, torn, and grown throughout these four years, I should be proud of myself. I am.

My greatest enemy has always been myself; my ability to shut myself out, tear myself down, and feel so incredibly defeated by my own thoughts and feelings.

And knowing that I completed this, these four years, with excellence and growth and courage and confidence? Whoa. I hope I can give myself enough time and emotion to soak that in. 

Because I did it. 

I did this.

5. I have and am currently packing up pretty much my life. 

This emotional processing has finally taken form in the physical embodiedment of sorting and placing into piles and boxes; 

what to keep, 

what to throw away, 

what I don't need or use anymore, 

things I want to take with me into my new life and home.

It's a strange feeling, knowing how much I'll be leaving behind. Physically and emotionally. But equally, knowing how much I will take with me from here, the people in my past into my future. Pieces of that are threaded into me, the person I am now and the new person coming into this new life. 

Cheers to the next and new chapter of living!

A season filled with lasts.

In December while Kevin was in town, we heard a sermon about the quintessential "For Everything There is a Season" message, but with a different twist. Afterwards, we were talking about what season we were in and I distinctly remember his response, "I'm in a season of wait." With us each in different seasons of life and eventually being joined together in a whole new season, I've realized that mine has recently come exactly how I thought it would;

a "time to plant and a time to uproot," 

a "time to weep and a time to laugh."

Looking back now, it's so crazy to see how I was so unaware of all the loaded emotions in December that this season of life would carry with it, yet somehow I pinpointed it exactly.

I feel so incredibly 'uprooted.'
And oh my lanta, I have never 'weeped' so much.

With these realizations I've come to acknowledge that this season is filled with lasts. Last memories, last times, last moments. I'm starting to find myself thinking, "well this will be that last time we..." or "that will be the last time I..."

I don't really know how to feel about that.

last spring on this beautiful campus

last drives through the little center of town to the barn

Farms & Fires.

               

Today I sat outside his field towing his lead and relishing in the now.
I memorized every mark, I took pictures in my head and my heart of that big ‘ole scar on his right hindquarters.
I memorized all those dapple markings on his legs, his “grease marks” on the inside of his belly.

I took deep breaths while he pulled away farther from me stretching to reach the greener grass. I called him over and held his head against my forehead and could no longer hold back the tears. 

I let them come. 

Hesitantly at first. 

Then with ease.

                                              

I closed my eyes memorizing his smell. I kissed his forehead. I played back ten years worth of memories. 

The lessons. 

The words. 

The hours of training and frustrations. 

I remembered all the times his stall was my safe place and grooming him in the aisle of the barn was my escape, my sanctuary away from the dark world of others, even of myself. 

I recalled all the times I laughed and cried and yelled in his presence. Sometimes ashamedly at him. Others because of her disease, their terrible words, his constant leaving.

               

In the same day I sang songs from the radio at the top of my lungs, soaring down the highway with three women I’ve grown so close to accompanying me; the epitome of the college cliche. We exited the highway and veered onto the back road of a little farm town and turned sharply into the gravel driveway. 

               

Rural Pennsylvania Friday night meant the bonfire had already started, but we hadn’t missed much. Three hours later and the worship rolled on. The guitar strummed in the background and the blur of sparks and conversation became a faint hush to my ears. The fire popped and whistled. People I had known for four years and a few I had just met laughed, shared testimonies, stories and joked.

It’s a strange thing, 

this closure phase.