Tick..tick..boom.

This past week was one for the books...

You know those times in the phases of your seasons of life when everything is going so smoothly;

too smoothly. 

And you're half waiting for the inevitable explosion, the conclusive eruption of the soft and steady, in with the chaos and confusion. The latter came in like a lion this past week. After the phase of soft and steady. All at once, and gradually.

My mind and heart spun like a web of doubt into the future of my choices; my tried and true story of what I've always thought turned into questions of if I can do it, why am I doing it, what if I can't do it. Life and voice across the continent was quiet. Home continued to slowly become a vague and confusing term meaning both something physical and emotionally and metaphorical, juggling far too many people and concepts and places connected to that term. Too afraid to leave any of them behind in the fury of change and shifting chapters, too afraid to leave behind pieces of me in places I'm uncertain of when I will return to. I have this capability, of magnifying every little problem into something twelve thousand times worse. Maybe we all do that. Or at least I hope that I'm not the only one. I also am a pro at pushing people away and lashing out when all of this happens, people closest to me love when this happens, I swear. It's taken a little while for the dust to settle. To return to sane mind (mostly) and somewhat of a sane spirit.

It's taken awhile in all this change and movement, to remember that even though I will change, that this is inevitable, and leave and move on in life, the places I have dubbed home will still remain, the people within them will still be there or somewhere to relive these moments again. A place called home at any point can be made accessible again and better yet, home will reshape itself into some place different.

We will have a little abode to call our own. 

My lovely fiance long-distance-‘house’-hunted (after we looked online) and we’ve settled on a lovely townhome style set-up in a familiar complex. He toured it and deemed it “homey” and a “nice couples living place” while I await a video. My heart is full and awaiting the day when we walk through the doors as newlyweds, exhausted and exhilarated, ready to start this adventure God has blessed us with.

A day when I get to put this print I got almost a year ago now just as we were first engaged, on our wall and chant this motto wherever we may be planted in the future; both physically and everything else. I cannot wait for a life and a home. I cannot wait for the first terrifying and exhausting two weeks of our life together, which holds a wedding, a honeymoon, a first flight with my husband and moving into our first home together. But until then, I remember to treasure the present to the best of my ability. I continue to grow on my own, to learn how to be the best wife and friend I can potentially be, to learn everyday how to not only love someone else but to love myself, to cherish the seconds of alone time and dreams of the future that hangs just far enough to see but not close enough to touch just yet. For today, I grow where I am planted. For right now, I am planted here. My roots may not be set in the place that I am in, but temporary ones are. They won’t be broken when I leave this place, but I will shed them like skin and leave them here, with the changes I will take everything this place and these people and this person I am here have taught me. I cannot believe how soon that will be. And that is both terrifying and exhilarating to me. It is something I am processing and will continue to do so for the next seven months until that plane flight with my husband sitting next to me happens.

Even still, I will continue to shed the skin of home and carry it with me. Attached, but not so much. Connected, but differently. Reshaped into my own home, a new home. A new chapter. Among all the other stresses of life, having this constantly in the foreground of my heart and my brain overwhelms me.

This week, I was a ticking time bomb, ashamed to admit that I was unable to get all my scattered thoughts and daily stresses under control.

So I stand before you, a human. I am not perfect. But that is no excuse to hurt myself or other people around me. I'm working on it. Flaws are not pretty, but they are capable of growing pretty things, meaningful lessons

with a little water and sunlight

and a whole lotta grace.

Growth. 
It's happening. Not always without a little pain, though.

In which I learn that I am an introvert.

I had a conversation with someone a couple days ago who has only known me a short while. We were talking about introverts and extroverts, and she was severely mistaken about which of those I was. I mentioned offhand mid-way through our conversation, {like I already expected her to know that, because I do, duh} "Oh I am such an introvert." She was taken aback at my statement and wasn't sure whether to laugh it off or show the confusion I already noticed. She responded with a "Really!?!? I would never have guessed." I was surprised that they were so surprised I admitted to being such a thing. Maybe a few years back, I wouldn't have admitted to being so. 

Because I think, a few years back I had no clue what this even meant. 

I had to learn that I was an introvert. 

Strange, right? 

The very definition of introvert means "to turn inward, or in upon oneself." But I have learned that being an introvert vs. being an extrovert is all about where you recharge, how you recharge. I get my energy from being by myself and I drain my energy from being around people. I need that time of solitude. No really, I physically need that time. I think being in a teaching position where all eyes are on me kind of confuses people, like the conversation I previously talked about. I don't mind public speaking. I don't love it of course, but I'm not as shy around new people as I used to be. And maybe some people who initially meet me would mistake me for an extrovert, I don't know. I've sort of grown into the societal expectations centered around this adult-life stuff. 

Which in flashing neon signs, screams;

"Be an extrovert, then you'll succeed at everything and everyone will like you." 

This makes me sad. I will shake your hand and strike up pleasant and proper conversation even if I don't know you. It is not that I cannot hold a polite conversation with you. I have proper social skills. I can interact in a group of people. I know how to collaborate and work together and I don't mind speaking to a group of people. I certainly am capable of teaching a classroom full of twenty-five students. But I guess I had this person fooled. They were incorrect, I am not extroverted in the slightest.

It's true; 

I am an introvert. 

Interestingly enough,
this topic has actually appeared in several conversation I've had in the last few weeks. 

Being an introvert is severely and commonly mistaken. And until I started really learning about myself, I didn't know what it meant either. 'Introverted' does not mean that I hate people or are not a 'people-person.' I love people. I love meeting people and hearing their stories and learning about them. I teach. I love teaching. I have grown accustom to actually loving being in front of the room with twenty-five pairs of little eyes on me. In fact, I would say I'm pretty comfortable in that position now. But when I am in that position for eight hours a day, when I am constantly with people, answering questions, talking to people, making conversation, being social, fulfilling certain expectations, being surrounded in a working environment with people, or even caring on meaningless conversations, the quickest thing I want to do when I get back from a day like that is sit alone. No talking. Doing something mindless. No answering questions. Just me. Alone. No one to heart or talk to.

Just...recharge.
I need that.

I've never truly understood the way that I operate before. Which, to be honest, sounds a little strange. I think these past three years have been a whole lot of learning about myself, about growth, and about self-awareness. I am an introvert. I admit it. There is nothing wrong with it. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained by other people. My brain and my body function differently than an extrovert. I need solitude. I need quiet.

I need that time. 

And maybe the most important thing about learning this is the last part; 

learning that I need that time. 

That it's okay to need that time. 

That this is how I live my life and how I go on living my life. 

How I stay healthy and sane and how I truly recharge. 

Susan Cain has a pretty awesome TED Talk about introverts. An introverted ex-lawyer.

"Before I became a writer, I practiced corporate law for seven years, representing clients like JP Morgan and General Electric, and then worked as a negotiations consultant, training all kinds of people, from hedge fund managers to TV producers to college students negotiating their first salaries. My clients have included Merrill Lynch, Shearman & Sterling, One Hundred Women in Hedge Funds, and many more. I went to Princeton University and Harvard Law School. From all this you might guess that I’m a hardcore, wonderfully self-confident, pound-the-table kind of person, when in fact I’m just the opposite. I prefer listening to talking, reading to socializing, and cozy chats to group settings. I like to think before I speak (softly). And somehow I know that everything I’ve ever accomplished, in love and in work, I owe to these traits, annoying though they may sometimes be."

I also do think the world underestimates introverts a little bit. Maybe the universe and the people in it, the people who are not introverts, don't know how to truly handle introverts. Maybe there is too much pressure on going out and not enough on the concept of re-charging, whatever that may look like to different people; be it introverts or extroverts. Maybe more people should figure out what they are, how they recharge. Maybe it would make the world more productive, like Susan Cain lets on. I don't really have the answers to these wonderings. But I do know that people should know how they function, that the human brain and body is an amazing and complicated thing, and that all of the above fascinate me not just in general, but in a very personal way.

And I know that learning that I am introvert has been incredibly beneficial to my everyday living.

Unfortunately, just like my conversation, 

not everyone you meet is aware of this rather large personality trait. 

And when you do figure it out, it's not a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with you. 

This is how your brain functions. 

Embrace it and learn about it.

80s in October.

It is officially October. And while it was 85 degrees here today and the past few days, I will continue with....."it's October?" 

Not much to report, so here is my last week via Instagram.

1. Apple picking - My first time (since an itty-bitty kiddo at least!). Spent time with a friend my birthday weekend. It was nice to get away and soak in the sun...and mountain climb some trees? We were fierce to get those suckers and came back with more apples than we knew what to do with!

2. Family birthday visits - It's nice to share something with my mom. (My dad could care less) and my horse couldn't be more distracted. Bunch 'a goobers, my family.

3. Ferociously shoving vitamins down my throat - Being in an elementary school is germy to say the least and combined with the constant weird weather changes, no one is safe! Trying my hardest to stay healthy as full-time teaching approaches and I will need my energy and stamina.

4. Spending as much time as time allows with my monster - It's hard to not think about May and all the good, but sad that it will bring with it. My schedule is out of control, but I know I have to make time for him.

Speaking of out of control schedule and making time...

5. Exhibit A; Out of control schedule - This semester will consist of being in school/teaching and when that isn't happening, planning to teach. Must...learn....balance....stay....sane....for next three months...

6. Exhibit B; Making time for the important - Today I missed home and our apartment decided to stay in for church. I curled back up in bed and listening to some podcasts from the church I recently started attending with my best friend and loving in the summer. It's sometimes frustrating to not feel a church-fit out at school, but it was nice to feel semi-connected back to home for the morning.

Happy October! 

Hopefully it will start feeling like it soon. Although, somewhere inside of me, I am convinced this is the universe's way of getting me used to "autumn" in the South and 90s in November...Oooof...

Twenty-two.

I felt the need to write an obligatory birthday post. My birthday was Friday and this year I kept it pretty low-key. Lots of much-needed relaxation, quality time with friends and visiting family over the weekend. Friday was our first day of student teaching and I was greeted by twenty-three, hand-made cards from my third graders. It made me that much more excited for the coming months I get to spend with them. It's strange to think that this is my last birthday spent as an unmarried lady and that [hopefully] my twenty-third will be spent celebrating with my husband in our new home. 

Woah...Strange. 

September, 2010

October, 2010

August, 2011

June, 2012

September, 2013

Sorry for the self-nation up here, but...photobooth. 

Anyways, I can't believe I am now twenty-two. Twenty-one was a pretty calm year amidst lots of changes. Twenty, I would say, was my favorite year. I can only hope twenty-two will be just as good to me. What with student teaching, college graduation, a wedding, moving across the country, hopefully finding some kind of job and tons of changes mixed in and around those things, I can assume it will be...trying. I'm sure it will hold as many hellos as goodbyes, as many disappointments as accomplishments and as many lessons as rewards.

I've definitely learned some things in my mere-twenty-two years of living; things like,

It's okay to say no. 

In fact, it's important to. Stop taking on the world and take some much-needed time for yourself. You can only stretch yourself so thin and take on so many things. Don't be a yes-man. Be selfish once in awhile. And don't feel bad about it. It will help keep you sane. 

Garbage in, garbage out. 

This applies to so many things; the food you eat, the habits you keep, the company you surround yourself with, the choices you make, the faith you demonstrate. If you fill your life, your body, your time and your energy on 'garbage' or even just negative things, you won't feel so good. You'll be tired emotionally, physically and mentally. 

Trust me. 

It's okay to look at houses going up for sale in the future, but focus on making the place you're living in now feel homey. 

No, not literal houses. This is one of those, 'living in the now' pieces of advice without actually saying all those stupid cliches. And this is certainly one of my hardest lessons to learn. It's okay to look into the future. It's healthy even to have a plan. Most of us need those things to look forward to, or even a countdown to events and exciting thing happening in our lives. But we should focus on making the state of mind, the physically place and the events we're experiencing now, a kind of temporary home. And that's hard to do. We feel like as soon as we get settled into a new and present state of mind, things are going to change. So why even get settled at all. Do it. It'll help a lot of things. 

Things could be worse. 

This is kind of a 'grin and bear it' expression. But I've come to fully wrap myself around this sentence. Things could be worse. I think it helps in the moment and it really does help in the genuinity (is that a word?) of certain situations long-term. Let me explain. If you say in the moment that everything falls about "It could be worse!" It pacifies you for a little bit and you move on. In a little bit, when you actually evaluate the extent of the situation and think about the grand spectrum of it all, you start to think with a sane mind, "Oh wow, that really wasn't that bad," or even "At least I didn't...." or "It could have been..." It's okay to think like that, I think. It keeps you leaning on the positive side of life.

Never let anyone make you feel bad about your choices.

In a society where we always look for other's opinions or approval, most certainly in our teens and twenties, this is also one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. Whether it's a small daily choice, a choice of not-doing something, or a major life choice, stop looking for approval and just do it. Sure, there are circumstances when you need to ask for someone else's opinion and that you should listen to it. Yes, older people are wiser and don't do that, it's dumb. But we all know those people who live their life questioning. 

"Is this okay?" 

"Can we do this?" 

"Are we supposed to..." 

"Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." 

It's also about building confidence. Not in a stuck up way, but a sure-of-yourself way. That comes with age and experience. Maybe no one actually expects you to be that way in your teens or early twenties. But that person we all know, do we really want to live our lives like that? Always searching for someone else's approval? There is a time to ask, and time to not. There is certainly times to apologize and times to take true ownership of your life and your choices. 

Not everyone will like you. 

This is a hard one to learn as a human. It goes with the latter paragraph. Let's face it. We all want to be liked. 

And when we're not?... 

QUICK CHANGE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF. 

Honestly, the sooner we realize not everyone is always going to like us, the better. 

The perils of maturing, ladies and gentleman. 

Everyone's different. 

So don't take my lessons as concrete. What I need to learn might not necessarily be what you need to learn. But my oh my, I have learned in these past twenty-two years. 

I can't wait to learn more.

Growing up is tricky. 

And it is most certainly a learn-as-you-go game. 

C'est la vie. 

Such is life.

Seasons & lately.

As of September 22, it is the now officially Fall.

The first day of fall was for wonderful friends who come to visit you on the weekend and early mornings at new churches with new experiences. It was for branching out in hopes for some receival and promise of a try-again-soon. It was for opening windows wide, and a cool breeze that lingers inside the four plain white walls as you do long to-do lists of homework. It's for mixed feelings about this last favorite brightly colored Northern season, with a dash of fear and nostalgia knowing how much your life is going to be different this time next year. It is for meaningful quality music sifting slowly through the speakers as you finally collect those certain songs for a certain Saturday. It is for anticipation, preparation and anxiousness as the week finally carries you all the way to that day you've been anticipating since you signed up for this major freshman year. This is going to be an exhausting, terrifying, fulfilling, amazing, exciting next few months.

In other news, this little apartment has finally earned a rhythm, gotten cozy little touches and has already withheld countless hours of laughing and memories. 

"Who except God can give you peace? Has the world ever been able to satisfy your heart?"St. Gerard Majella

Autumn has surely arrived here in Pennsylvania and I can't help but to think about how blessed I am to experience a new place. Well, a new place as of three years ago. I cannot believe it's been three, soon to be four full years since I first set foot in this place. While my heart is still, and always will be it seems, back in New England for this beautiful season, I've grown accustom to seasons in many ways. Seasons of change. Seasons of renovation. Seasons of strength and defeat, renewal and reinvention. As much as I hold onto my Northern roots, I guess I have made my own paths around this place as well. It's interesting to think that even though I wouldn't call this state or place "home" per say, it is a sort of temporary home. 

And that word home is such an interesting concept, 

something I'm still learning about. 

More on that later. 

I've been given amazing opportunities lately, learning opportunities, difficult ones, memorable ones. I've found a routine just as I am going to begin to form a new one and go out in my field to finally establish myself in a little classroom full of big ideas and daunting days of life lessons; some taught by me, most I'm sure, simply learned by me. 

Life, as of lately, is many things, many feelings,
many pieces of this somehow puzzle.
Some pieces fit nicely, some have jagged edges,
some are broken and taped haphazardly to hold themselves in place
but all are part of some big picture.

This season of life and of my life.
Somehow.
Even though I don't know how all the time, I know that I don't need to know.
I know that I'm not the one who always has to know how everything works together, right?

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1. 

Power struggle.

I have honestly tried writing this post for a solid week. Maybe more. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to write it out based on a conversation I had with someone. But full steam ahead, let me tell you about my life. 

A pretty big part of my life. 

I've never given much thought to the military before about four years ago. Which quite frankly sounds a little "un-american," or something. 

Credit to ever-awesome Nick Benson

But despite having a "Pop" who was in the military, it's never been prevalent in my life. I've never entirely been affected by it, besides the whole living in the United States thing. Regardless, it is now a pretty large part of my life due to the fact that a pretty large part of my life is in it; the United States Air Force to be exact. The past four years have been somewhat of a power-struggle between myself and the Air Force, always wanting custody of a certain human being. Since day one, I've been realizing it's role in our relationship. I've learned about it and it has refused to recognize my opinion. So it goes. 

To tell you the truth it's hard as heck. 

When I tell someone, "Oh my fiance's in the military," it usually elicits two very different responses; 

"Oh wow that's so cool!" 

*insert bright smile subtly implying they have absolutely no idea what that means for my life and are basing that knowledge off of some sappy movie* 

or

"Oh...that must be tough." 

*insert puppy eyes that feel bad for you because they think he's off to war every other week and are constantly being shot at or something*

But the truth is, 

yes, the military has a large impact on my life now because I am with this guy. 

yes, it's decided and will decided a lot of things in my [new] life I never thought I would let 'someone' other than myself, my husband and God decide.

yes, it is exceptionally lonely sometimes.

But I have learned so much more positive than the negative can impact. I've grown and stretched, we've grown and stretched together. We have something unique, something that makes us unique and something that we power through, despite and in spite of the constant power struggle.

I've learned things like, I need to make the best of situations beyond my control, that I can't control everything, that distance is for the brave and that it makes you brave. I've learned that pouting and stomping your feet will get you absolutely nowhere but that it's okay to cry and stomp your feet as long as you pick yourself back up. Because no one, including yourself wants to continuously hear you complaining and making noise for too long. I've learned that I have an incredible relationship with an absolutely amazing man that distance and things beyond our control can't touch despite all efforts to shake it. I've learned that despite being 1,500 miles away, we will always be there for each other, even when we aren't in the same room at the same time for months and months. That we've made it through tons of hard nights and lonely days and we are that much stronger together because of it it. The military and this distance and all those lonely pathetic nights have blessed me with little things I might never had learned had we been able to see each other every day. 

I've learned that I am an individual. That I must do individual things to maintain the person I am. That even though I so love and adore this man I get to marry, I am allowed to enjoy things on my own, that I have to to be in a healthy relationship. I learned that I need outlets for pent up emotions; furry animals, long runs, gym sweat and quiet alone time. That those are okay. That alone and wallowing time is also okay. That I usually need both of those things every once in awhile. I learned that crying doesn't make you weak or mean that you are. I have learned that when I can't be physically with the person I love most in the world, I can surely surround myself with the other people I love most in the world. That they care for me too. That they are there for me too. That they try to understand the best that they can, but when they don't have the words they want me to know that they're just there for me. That they care for me even when something beyond my capability isn't allowing me to talk to that other person I love most in this world. 

So when people look at me and think my life is something out of a Nicholas Spark's movie, I feel bad that they feel bad for me. I am not looking for pity. On the contrary, I am certainly not refusing a loving shoulder to cry on every once in awhile, but I don't need someone feeling sorry for me because of the life and love that I (though sometimes blindly) have chosen live in. I get to marry my favorite human being in the world. I get to spend the rest of my life with him. And yes, I get to spend a significant part of that with him and his job. Despite this multi-year ongoing power struggle and the fact that my sharing abilities equal that of a kindergartener, I know that this is a current constant in not just my life,

but our life. 

That we will face it together. That we have and will continue to fight distance together. And that we have done a pretty darn good job of it already together apart.

So cheers to us.
To this fight and power-struggle.
And to us winning.

Blessings in many {human} forms.

I was going to do an "apartment living" post. I wanted to give you a tour of where I'm living and all. We worked really hard on our abode. But I decided to do something about the "who I live with" first. When in reality, I am too lazy to take pictures of the space we live in. I will do it eventually, I promise. I do want to document this all.

This weekend, four out of the five of us dwelling in this little apartment got the chance to get away for a weekend (the fifth was studying) But I know, right? The first weekend of the first week of classes. We must be so exhausted already. Haha...not exactly. But while the weather is still beautiful and the world hasn't realized it's actually the start of Autumn, we certainly dove at the amazing chance to get away before all our student teaching and classes got in full swing. One roommate has a family beach house near the Jersey Shore and we got up bright and early Saturday morning to trek there.

It was gorgeous. And the perfect way to kick off our senior year together. Which I should also mention, that this weekend in itself was quite wonderful. This considering it started off with a bonfire. Definitely Friday night, Pennsylvania style.

Sometimes I don't know how I ended up in PA, but I think it's pretty beautiful. I'm absolutely glad I did. And I am glad I've ended up with these people.

In the past week that I've been at school, I find myself constantly counting my blessings. The opportunities I've been given, the hard work I feel like I've done in these past three years, the challenges and obstacles and hard times I've muddled through. They've all somehow worked out to be just that; blessings. Somehow, here I am. Here we all are. Because as lonely as some of the beginning days felt, I am so not alone in the last hurrah of this crazy college adventure. These ladies, among a handful of others have been by my side since freshman year. When God and our college put us on the same floor. We've grown up together and individually. We've picked up a few extra friendships along the way and found out who are truly the ones we should trust. We've grown and learned and lived together, and somehow we've developed this amazing friendship that I do not see fading away anytime soon.

And until we march across that stage and celebrate our last days together, we are going to celebrate this year. We intend to. But along the way, we will count our blessings.

Because my goodness, there are so many to count.

I am so thankful for these wise and wonderful ladies. Who have been there and laughed with me. Who have put up with me, understood my crazy ways and seen my embarrassing moments, offered advice when I need it most.

I can't wait to enjoy this last year with these fine people.