Autopilot.

I haven't felt particularly inspired to write much lately...kind of running on autopilot. I'm mostly done with my semester and finishing up student teaching. And by done with a semester, I mean the time has both flown and seemed to drag tirelessly. I'm certainly not emotionally prepared to say goodbye to my room full of students who have taught me more than I ever imagined. I'm not ready to leave them and not see how they finish off the year, how they grow more, what else they learn and do and see. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for the holidays yet (I definitely have not finished buying gifts). I'm not truly ready to be surrounded by a room full of people all asking loaded future questions followed by subtle hints of guilt of always returning to that place, wondering, questioning, answering, persuading, pursuing.

I'm not sure I'm ready for a new year, changes, goodbyes. 

But I am ready to dwell in the present. And while I know I've been hypocritically chanting that a while now until I believe it, I'm ready to believe it. 2014 will be the year I both finish up a chapter and start a new one. And while I'm not sure I'm ready to do either one of those things, they will inevitably happen. I'm ready to start thinking about searching for my own students, or a job in my field once I move. I'm ready to start researching what that will look like and when. I'm ready to plan this wedding and not get so caught up in the details but at the same time acknowledge that details are what makes things personal and special and us. I'm ready for the holidays and home and family and lasts.

I'm ready for a fresh starts, changes, hellos.

As I wrap up things here in PA, I know that I have wonderful people waiting to welcome me back home in CT. And as I get settled back home in CT, I know that in eight days I'll soon be welcoming back someone very wonderful home to me in our little airport as he steps off the plane. I'm ready for this new year and these last selfish months. Not as the world sees them, not my "last days of singlehood, live it up" kind of way. In a learning way. In my sort of cram session to take everything I have learned about myself and put it into a partnership everyday. To take everything I've learned separately and morph those lessons into a two people, one roof sealed legal, binding and team playing kind of deal. I guess I can't really learn everything in these next near five months (obviously) but I can spend it growing, as always. I hope to.

I've learned a lot this portion of this year. And even though the year is about to close, it doesn't mean that it has to stop.

But for now, I could use a good recharge to my autopilot state.
My heart could use a warm reunion.
My soul could use a good worshiping.
My body could use days of rest and relaxation.
My head could use some comforting words.
My fingers could use another's being laced in mine.
My lungs could use a deep and true laugh.
My ears could use a good listen to family and little's giggling.
My eyes could use warm nights and christmas tree lights, and reassurance that though things change, and people change and move and grow,

this is all okay. It will all be okay. Somehow.